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The Politics of Dancing

Well, lots has happened since I last sat down to write a post.

In this “webisode” of my dancing life we’ll peruse a lesson with Mr. Ivan, including a special practice session, and we’ll recount a night at The People’s Choice dance competition that I spent with dear ballroom friends.  Lastly, I will opine about, well, the title of this post.  The glorious politics of dancing.  Who knew?  I thought it was just the title of a catchy song.

So rewind to yesterday morning, 10 am when I arrived for my lesson with Ivan at Dance Starz.  It was a great lesson, as always, but there were some extra twists that made it especially wonderful.  First, well, we did some work on cardio.  Ivan really pushed me with Samba and Cha Cha and although it made my legs wobbly, it was a good thing.  We both agree this is one of the things that holds me back most and that we should work on it.  I am hoping to get some time today after packing up my office (we are moving in a week) to put together a playlist where I can cut songs for each of the 5 dances in American Rhythm, the 4 Smooth dances, and Latin Samba, Rumba, Cha Cha and maybe Jive together in a row at 2 minutes each with 10 seconds of rest.  That way, on every lesson, we can just blast through the dances as if we were in competition and I can begin to build up some endurance.  I remember doing this with my first dance instructor and it worked well to help condition me.  I think that with a little over a month to prepare it will make a difference and help me survive the competition a bit better.

Next, we practiced presentation and winning.  I never understood why presentation was so important in ballroom before being a “ballroomer” myself.  I thought it was kind of weird, coming from a jazz/ballet background, all the parading and grandstanding that goes on before the dancers even take their first step.  A little presumptuous, I thought.  But now I kind of get it.  Kind of like how I now appreciate International Standard and Smooth dances when before I didn’t “get” them and didn’t think they looked that impressive.  How wrong I was!

So anyways, all the presentation, it reflects how a couple owns their space on the dance floor, and their confidence.  I swear you can sometimes tell who will win (or “should” win) just by their presentation.  Whoever presents themselves with calm confidence, ease, grace, well, they will also probably dance that way.  If a couple presents with overexhuberant, chaotic energy, well, they’ll probably dance like that too.  It reminds me of the class with Inna when she acted out the three couples walking on the dance floor.  The presentation is important – it’s part of the entire package.  So much of ballroom is about that.

Indeed, I thought it was kind of silly to practice this stuff when I first got into ballroom.  I wanted to get to the “meat” of the dancing.  Skip the fluff and just get to my Cha Cha basic.  But I’ll never forget my first coaching.  It was with Igor Suvarov.  He coaches Artem and Inna and they had him come when they were at the studio with my old instructor.  Well, I’d had zero experience with Standard at that point but I was up for any coaching opportunity that came my way.  Anyways, all we did was work on getting into frame.

Honestly, I felt completely unprepared and a little embarrassed that my instructor (at the time) and I had not spent anytime practicing this aspect of the dance.   It was then that I began to have my first inkling about how important all the presentation and preparation to dance really is in ballroom.

One bright aside, although the coaching was on the most elementary of subjects, and I had no idea how to do that properly, toward the end of the session Igor placed me in the proper frame position and something pretty cool happened.  He put me where I was supposed to be, with my arms out like wings, my chest up and arched back, my neck in alignment, and he was like, “Oh, I’ve never seen anyone get into that position after one try.  You should come to Los Angeles to train with me.”  He was kidding, of course, but I can’t tell you how good it made me feel to be acknowledged like that.  It made me feel like maybe there was a real dancer in me yet.

Okay, so back to the presentation stuff on my lesson with Ivan.

We walked around the studio arm in arm.  One of my old ballet habits is to walk on my toes and to try to be as silent as possible.  My former dance teacher, Glenda, was always admonishing us to not “sound like elephants” running across the stage.  But in ballroom, this won’t do.  I would try to do my ballet walk with Ivan and pretty much couldn’t keep up.  He was like, “Why you walking like this, with a stick up your butt.  Walk normal!”

It was a revolutionary idea.  Really?  Walk normally?  Not “dance-y?”  With all the presentation stuff in ballroom and how important it is, and you’re supposed to walk like normal when getting places on the ballroom floor?  It boggled my mind.  But, that’s the way to do it so I practiced stomping around.

So anyways, we walked a lot and then Ivan started running.  He put his hand out as if to give me a high-five.  I was like, what?  He was like, “Haven’t you seen this presentation?  You do a high-five and then spin out.”  “Nope.  Haven’t seen it, or if I have, didn’t take note of it.”  So we practiced that, but it felt kind of out of control and really big.  I kind of can’t imagine actually doing that but maybe we will at Desert Classic.  Who knows.  And I will say that I saw many couples doing it as I watched the People’s Choice last night, so it seems to be a pretty popular presentation style.

But then we practiced winning!  What?  You say.  Yes!  We walked over to one of the large trophies on a table at the studio and picked it up.  Ivan played the announcer.

“And now, first place, Stefanie and Ivan!  From Phoenix, Arizona.”

“Yay!”

I lifted the trophy above my head, and we posed for a picture.

“One more!”  Ivan exclaimed.

“Oh, I need to turn my foot out!  Have to make it look pretty!”

With big smiles it was fun to pose and practice being a champion.  Why not, you know!!?  It’s important to practice these things.  And it is always an adventure with Ivan.

Now fast forward to the evening.  I met up with Colette who, booger, didn’t tell me she was competing.  Apparently she didn’t know until Monday that she was going to dance Thursday.  But it went well!  And she did share one photo with me that she gave me permission to post on the blog.  All my friends are so gorgeous!

Well, anyways, I missed seeing her actually dance but she will be there with me at Desert Classic so I’ll get to see her boogie woogie then.  But we sat next to each other for the evening session, along with Rebecca, Toni, Katie, and Ceci.  Plus, I got to see lots of other familiar faces at the event.  Turns out ballroom is kind of a small world.  If you start going to competitions, you begin to see the same people again and again.

Well, we had an absolute blast cheering and hooting and screaming ourselves silly for Ivan and Marietta as they competed in the open professional American Rhythm championship.  I know that I’m biased because Ivan is my instructor and friend, but I just love the way he and Marietta dance.  I honestly prefer them over any other couples I saw on the dance floor, including the ones that placed first.  Ivan and Marietta came in second which was fantastic, but they have such great technique and an amazing connection.  I wish they’d get first once in a while because sometimes they really deserve it, in my humble opinion.  They actually look like they are enjoying dancing together.  In fact, Collette even blurted out, in an uncensored moment, that it was “getting hot in here” as they performed their Rumba.  That’s no joke.

But alas, it seems, from my perspective, that the placements are already somewhat decided no matter what happens during one particular night on the dance floor.  It feels like no matter what, certain couples are going to be positioned in a particular order, and that just stinks from a spectator perspective.  It feels unfair – like it’s not a level playing field, so to speak.  So what’s the point in having a competition if the ending is predetermined?  It’d be like watching Lakers versus the Suns and no matter how many baskets the Suns made, the Lakers would be awarded the win by a panel of judges.

It’s a sticky subject, I know, and in the case of my favorite couple, of course I’m biased!  I feel as though I can separate technique and objectively tell if there is a better couple out on the dance floor, but because of my bias, I can’t know that that is absolutely true.  I mean, there have been dances that I haven’t thought Ivan and Marietta did the best on.  They don’t get blanket adoration, you know?  They’re not perfect.  I’m just acknowledging that I may be somewhat blind to any minor weaknesses they have because I care for them.  Anyways, last night they were “on.”  They moved me the most.  I thought they should have won.  But, I’m not the judge.

You know, the situation is what it is.  I think any time you have people involved, you are going to have some sort of politics.  I don’t claim to know how widespread or deep or even how such things work in the ballroom world, but it feels like it is one of those things that exists but isn’t really talked about or even acknowledged.  It’s just this thing operating behind the scenes in the background affecting how the sport is played.  It’s tough, you know, because ballroom isn’t a sport that can be objectively scored.  There aren’t baskets to count, or a time in seconds to beat.  The competitors look different, dress different, and do different choreography.  Of course placement is going to be subjective and depend upon who is watching and who else is on the dance floor at the same time.  But I think we all know greatness when we see it.  We all can feel when we are emotionally moved.  We may not agree on who is number one, but we can probably agree who should be in the the top or bottom of the bunch.  We can see who has nice technique and who is sloppy or chaotic or uncontrolled.  We can see who is boring and who is not.

Maybe I’m completely wrong about all this political stuff.  Maybe it is fair and and unbiased and everyone who dances does have an equal chance of winning, and rankings are based solely on the merits of how a couple performs that night in comparison to the other couples on the dance floor.  I’m simply sharing my experience and feeling.  It’s an opinion, and what feels true for me, but maybe not necessarily “the truth.”

But what do you think?  What has your experience been regarding “the politics of dancing” in the ballroom arena?  Am I off my rocker about this?  And what does it mean anywyay?  So what if things are political?  Why does it even matter?  I’m interested to hear your thoughts!

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Fluffy

Well friends,  I’m tired and have to be up at the crack of dawn tomorrow, but I’m committed to this blog, right, so I thought I’d at least write a little something about my lesson today.

I went after work and wore a dress with bike pants underneath.  A conscious choice to wear something better than on my last lesson.  I guess it worked because when Ivan saw me he told me I looked “fluffy.”

Oh Ivan, I will never truly understand you, even though sometimes I feel like I totally “get” you!  Anyways, he said, “Is that the word?  Fluffy?  Puffy?”

“I don’t know, Ivan.  What are you trying to say?  Am I retaining water?”

“No, you so cute today.  Like fluffy.  It not mean fat.”

I imagine the little cute fluffy chick named Stefanie that I gifted to Ivan not long ago.  I have a feeling this is the kind of “fluffy” he’s referrring to.  Even if it isn’t, it’s put me in a good mood and started the lesson of to a nice beginning.

But there’s a problem.  The music computer is kaput.  Completely.  It was already on it’s last leg.  Luckily, I have my trusty iPad today and we are able to plug it in to the speakers.  On the downside, I have a weird mish-mash of music, and not a ton of ballroom music.  But there is this one cool song I have from Frank Sinatra called the “Coffee Song.”  It starts out as a Samba and progresses into a Foxtrot.  It’s just darling and I wanted to share it with Ivan.  So we start there and the mood is light, ebullient.

Next we decide to do a Rumba.  But with my weird mix of music, I spend a lot of time trying to find something that will work to do a Rumba but it takes so long Ivan gets frustrated.  He walks over and just randomly picks something.  It’s Lisa Loeb.  These slow kind of whiney songs but Ivan says it’ll work for a Bolero.

“See.  You crazy.  You working so hard to find a song.  I just two tries and find one.  I feel the music.”

I don’t say it but I was like, well, I thought there were, you know, rules, about what song you can dance to.  Clearly not a lot of the music they generally play on the radio is going to be suitable for a ballroom dance.  But maybe that’s not as true as I thought.  Oh, I’m pretty sure there are rules about the beats per minute that are necessary for regulation Cha Cha and all that, but we’re just practicing in a church rec room, here.  We can be flexible.

It begins an avalance of unlikely dancing songs.  And it is so much fun!

We do those Lisa Loeb songs, then “Bulletproof” by Le Roux, and then “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger” by Daft Punk.  And then “Lady Marmalade” from Moulin Rouge which I totally blast at the highest volume possible.

Interspersed with bronze and silver syllabus steps are bits and pieces of complete freestyle dancing.  No rules except having fun.  And Ivan’s trying to sing along with me, off-key, like a baying dog in pain, to songs he doesn’t know at all.  He really dives into things with everything he has.

We even did a little ballet.  Ivan sticks his butt out.  It’s kind of funny being the more experienced person in the room for a minute.  And though I’m no true ballerina, I still have more technique in my little pinky toe when it comes to a plie’ or bourre’ or pique’ or posse than Ivan does.

It was exciting.  He told me that there is another showcase coming up the weekend before the Galaxy dance competition here in Phoenix and asked me if I’d be interested in doing it.

“If it nice, we can doing it at Galaxy as a solo.”

Woo….that would be a stretch for me.  I’m interested.

Even better, he then said, “We maybe do some freestyle dancing in it.  You can help with the choreography.”

Oh, well, goodness now.  I am feeling more and more like a grown up every minute here.  To have more creative control over what I perform.  I’m enticed.

And, about this time, Ivan began reminiscing about dancing with my mom last weekend at my birthday party.  He really enjoyed it, I think.  He was fantasizing that maybe my mom would join Ivan and I for a little routine.  I’m not so sure she’d be willing to do that, but it’d be pretty fun and cool if she was.  But I do think he enjoyed the mambo they did because she was smiling and having so much fun during the entire thing.  It was pretty cool to watch!

Isn’t my mom the cutest thing ever?!

Anyways, Ivan said I could do anything I wanted for the upcoming showcase.  And, if it is good enough, he’d be willing to do it with me at competition.

So, what do you think I should tackle?  A Samba?  A Mambo?  A Swing?  A Foxtrot?

Is there any song that you are really digging right now that might be good to do a routine to?

I think I got my mojo back.  That was quick!  It helped to see my mom dancing like that!  Who wouldn’t want to jump up and dance after seeing her bust a move?  Best birthday evarrrr!

Love, Stef

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Double Duty

Well, the season finale for DWTS is on, so I figured I’d take advantage of a moment sitting down at home and while watching also attempt to kill two birds with one stone and write a blog post.

I’ll just go on the record right now and say that Donald Driver has really won me over throughout the entire season and I loved his Country Western number last night.  Of course all the finalists did great and I enjoy watching every minute.

So, I’m sure there will be commentary about the show interspersed throughout this post.  Although I’m somewhat sad to lose my Monday addiction, I’m excited for the premiere of SYTYCD on Thursday.

As for real life dancing, well, I danced for the first time this morning since my birthday.  Ivan’s a trooper.  I know he prefers to meet earlier in the day, but usually ballroom dancers like to work in the evening hours.  Ivan, however, is more than willing to meet at even 6:30am (he’s been known to meet with Katie even earlier than this, can you believe it?!) if it means he doesn’t have to come even at 5:00pm.

So, not only did he locate me a place to practice that is across town so I can go there before work, but he’s willing to meet me at 6:30am so I can be done by 7:15am and make it to work by 8am.  The even more amazing part is that I woke up to do it today, and plan to do so many more times in the coming months.  Why is this so amazing?  Well, I’m a vampire.  Just kidding.  But it is my husband’s nickname for me (besides Dancin’ Queen) because I’m generally a night owl and hate the morning hours.  Anyways, only dancing can get me out of bed even one second earlier than absolutely necessary.

I’m kind of in a little slump though, I have to admit.  I know I’ve put on weight, rather than take it off, and this doesn’t bode well for the Desert Classic which I’m dancing in in just over a month.  I’ll still fit into my dress, and all, and there’s still time to improve, but I’m not pleased with where I am right now.  Cardio continues to be my nemesis.

I don’t know if it is the wildfires raging across Arizona or what but I’ve been so congested and having difficulty breathing the past few days.  Also, I tweaked my neck.  I swear I’m not going to do a laundry list of crap that’s wrong with me, I’m just going to say that I went to bed at 8pm last night and even after getting a full night’s rest, Ivan noticed I was dragging this morning.

First off, I wore work-out clothes.  Usually I wear stretch pants and a skirt and a top but today I wore a tshirt and work out pants.  Not the cutest, most flattering, or most feminine outfit, I’ll admit.  I just didn’t feel anything like Sheri Shepherd must have felt while getting for that number with all those men.  Oh my gosh she is so much fun to watch.  I have a big ole’ goofy grin seeing her enthusiasm.  Well, anyway, back in the real world, I was grubby.

“You never dress like this.”  Ivan told me after dancing for about five minutes.  “What’s going on?  Wine last night?”

“Oh no, Ivan, I was in bed by 8pm last night, I’m just not feeling great.”

“You’re arms are heavy today.”

I guess I was pulling on Ivan more than usual.  When I’m not holding myself up properly, he’ll tell me this.

“Yeah, I agree, Ivan.  Sorry.  And I think you are right.  This outfit is not helping.  It’s making it even worse, how I’m feeling about myself right now.”

“It’s okay.  I understand.  It’s comfortable.  It’s just not feminine.  It’s okay to wearing.”

But actually, it’s not.  It is just an outward reflection of how I’m feeling about myself right now.  This too, shall pass, it always does, I’m just kind of bewildered that I’m not more excited about the Desert Classic and that I’m not preparing for it as intensely as I did my last competition.  I’m not exactly sure what it is all about.

Part of it, I feel, is that I’m working fulltime once again, and after the 8.5 hour day, I have 1.5 hour commute.  That makes for a 10 hour day.  Not ridiculous, just an adjustment from working 18 hours a week – and trust me, I’m enormously grateful to be employed!  It is simply that have less free time and expendable energy than I did previously.  It takes a lot of mental energy and concentration to do my new job.  I noticed right away that it would probably be better to take a dance class before work rather than after the very first week!  I was a mental midget and couldn’t cram any more information into my brain after the learning curve on the job.  So anyways, that could explain some of it.

This weekend is the People’s Choice competition here in Phoenix.  I’m going to go watch Ivan and Marietta compete on Saturday night or whenever it is.  Maybe that will light a fire under my butt again.  Usually being around my favorite addiction is quite motivating.

Also, as part of my birthday swag, I scored some iTunes giftcards and a new iPod.  I have designs of creating some dancing playlists, cutting together songs representing the types of dances I will do in 2 minute segments with like 10 or 15 seconds of rest in between them and making Ivan and I dance through them all at least once on each lesson to kick up the intensity of my cardio training.

Oh my goodness.  I’m getting tired for bed.  I don’t know if I will make it to the end of the show to find out who wins.  Silly Collette just texted me and said she got on Facebook and already saw who won!  Silly rabbit!

I guess that’s really all I have to share today.  Kind of a ho hum post for a ho hum day.

I have some Topic Series in the works, though.  Like about what it’s like to have someone coach you, and what people mean when they say they are in their head versus being in their body.  Also, if anybody has any topic they are curious about, please let me know!  That’s how the whole thing got started, anyways….someone asked  a question!

Alright dear friends, I’m going to sign off for now.  It will be interesting to see who goes home with the mirror ball trophy this year.

Ta ta for now,  Stef

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Happiest Birthday EVAR!!!!

Oh loyal readers, I fear I have an inconstant blogger.

Life has got the best of me in terms of actually sitting down to write a blog post, but I assure you, I haven’t stopped dancing, or even blogging.  I have simply been delayed.

Since the last time we chatted, I had at least two lessons, a coaching with Ron Montez, and a birthday party.

The lessons were fun, but I don’t recall anything particularly worth mentioning about them.

The coaching was amazing, so I’ll mention it.

And the birthday party was  pretty much my heaven.  My best birthday present was the video I’ll share with you of Ivan dancing with my mom.  But besides that, I was surrounded by people I love, doing the thing I love most.  I rented out a dance studio for a few hours and we had an absolute blast.

But first – the coaching.

We are lucky enough in Arizona to have one of the paragons of the ballroom world living in our state.  Mr. Ron Montez is widely known and respected thoughout the ballroom industry.  On top of that, the man is a sweetheart.  He truly is a pleasure to work with and so very knowledgable.  I swear he can see what is going on wrong with my dancing, and tell me one little thing to change, and magically the dance picture I’m creating changes.  Really, he is a master.  He fixed like five things on the one lesson.

In the Rumba, seems like I’d been practicing an intermediary movement on the swivels used throughout the dance.  I’d been concentrating on keeping my foot pointed out in front of me when turning.  This is a good thing to practice to increase stability and sharpness of movement, as well as to keep the hips square when pivoting.  But, it doesn’t create the quick movement necessary to generate drama and a contrast between quick and slow.  The trick is to immediately step behind when performing a swivel.  To hold that line I’d been practicing for only a split-second on the way through to the next step.

Then, in the Samba, we worked on my knees.  I’d kind of tabled part of the Samba bounce for the time being, but I guess it was time to add it back in.  You see, the Samba bounce is pretty tricky and incorporates a variety of movements. forward and back as well as up and down and also circular.  I’d kind of consciously forgot about the circular portion while working on the horizonatal and vertical aspects but Ron didn’t let me continue to be lazy.  He had me working my knees left and right on whisks, the basic step and botafogo and this naturally translated into that circular part of the movement I’d been missing.

In Waltz, Ron helped me improve my swing.  Doing side by side walks he had me do different arms to create more swing in my upper body, again miraculously improving the quality of the movement.  As an added bonus, he fixed one of the steps I strongly disliked because I knew it was always wrong but couldn’t figure out how to make it better.  It’s this little walk around step consisting of three steps in a circle and then then three toward my partner.  It always felt like there was a lot of resistance in the step and I was always struggling to meet up with my leader.  Ron knew exactly what to say.  I had been heading the wrong direction and actually had to allow Ivan to come to me rather than for me to try and rush toward him.

Of course, I still need to work on closing my feet in Waltz steps, a detail which Ron reminded me about multiple times.  But he also does this cool thing after explaining something.  When I did something right Ron would exclaim, “There was the good one!”  He does a great job of providing feedback, both positive and corrective.  He is an excellent teacher and instructor.  Truly, I am grateful I have had the opportunity to work with Ron twice now.

Then, yesterday, it was my 34th birthday and I decided to throw an actual birthday party.  I haven’t done that in many years, usually opting to go to a dinner with immediate family.  But this year I surrounded myself with family, non-dancing friends, and dancing friends alike.  Ivan and Marietta taught a Samba lesson which was fantastic.  We even worked on Samba rolls, something I’ve never worked on with Ivan but once.  Of course there was open dancing, and music, and food, and wine, and conversation and even cards and cupcakes and presents.  I did a little Rumba with Ivan, and a Mambo with my friend Randall. and Mambo with my husband.  We also played a hilarious dance game where you had to switch partners as quickly as you could as soon as the music stopped.

But the very, very best part was when Ivan danced with my mom.  I promise to post the video as soon as I can because it needs to be shared with the world.  It was so dang cute! But at the moment I’m having technical difficulties.  It will be up shortly.

Alrighty, I’ll commit to be better about blogging.  A week long absence is too dang long!

Ta-ta for now, Stef

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Work It, Girl!

In case you didn’t know from all my posts on Facebook, this weekend was Emerald Ball in Los Angeles, California.  With over 1100 heats, it was a huge event with thousands of participants.  I happened to know a few people who went so I avidly watched for pictures and video posts on SuperShag.com as the results came in for my friends and for professional couples that I admire and follow.

You can see all the congratulations and who won what or placed where if you care to here and while you’re there, make sure to like the page for Dancing With Stefanie.  That way, a link to any new posts on the blog will show up in your Facebook News feed.  Plus, sometimes I post things on the Facebook page that don’t make it onto the blog.  There is also a “like” button on the upper right hand side of the blog page you can easily click.

Alright, enough with the boring housekeeping items….here’s what’s been going on.

Since Ivan and Marietta went to Emerald Ball on Thursday, I haven’t had a lesson since Wednesday and it’s kind of like going through withdrawal.  Maybe not that dramatic, but by the end of the weekend I was really missing this major part of my life.  But, as they say, nature will always fill a vacuum.  Luckily my friend Ivonne had a perfect solution.  Why not join her for some Lindy Hop and Tranky Doo (yes, that is actually the name of a dance)?  I was especially motivated to go having not danced in days and it turned out to be a lot of fun.

It was a group lesson and social dancing – and the instructors could spot us “ballroomers” a mile away.  “Relax!  No Frame!” were our constant reminders.  It was about getting the rhythm of the dance into our bodies and we were required to actually sing while we moved.  Hoooo Wah! Hoooo Wah!  Hoooo Wah Ooopty Dah!  I’m not even kidding!  But I got why they did it.  And they said that even they still sing these rhythms (different than the beats or counts in the music) while practicing as pros.

It was a nice sized class and a progressive one.  It will continue for the next four weeks, and then if I decide to progress, I’d have to repeat the basic level before they’d allow me in the intermediate class.  Kind of an interesting way of doing things.  I think it’s cool that they value the fundamentals and want their students to have a firm grasp of them before progressing on to harder steps without a proper foundation.  And it creates a strange sort of motivation of like, I want to be a “cool kid” and be in the intermediate class.  Plus it probably weeds out less motivated students.  But we’ll see.  I’m not sure how far I want to jump down this rabbit hole.

After the Lindy Hop class was a class on Tranky Doo.  I really enjoyed it.  You get to dance solo.  It’s from the 30′s.  Here’s a video – sorry the sound is bad:

Anyways, that was lots of fun, not too difficult, but I got a little dance fix and I worked up a good sweat.

But there’s nothing that compares to a lesson with Ivan so I was very excited that he agreed to have a lesson with me today, even after competing late last night (making it to the semi-final) in Professional American Rhythm and Emerald Ball with Marietta, and driving home.  Probably because of that, I had a lot of extra energy and was thinking about all we had worked on last time we met.  I tried my best to project my energy, and after about 3/4ths of the lesson, Ivan finally noticed that I was doing it.  I suppose it’d be better if he’d noticed it right away, but hey, progress.  He gave me a hug.  We had to navigate some issues because the computer through which the stereo runs wasn’t working properly and I ended up using Pandora on my phone for some music.  Not ideal – we quickly used up the maximum 6 skips per hour – but better than nothing.

After the lesson we had a little conversation.  I’m doing Desert Classic so I have to figure out how much I’m going to do, the cost, all that stuff.  I also told Ivan, “Hey!  We have like two months.  I know cardio is an issue, but what other little things can I be working on and fixing during this time?  I want to do the best I can.  But we just dance and you have to tell me!”

He basically told me that yes, there are little things to fix, but the cardio is killing me.  It’s my biggest weakness.  I can’t maintain 100% full energy for long enough.  It’s a problem.  My feet/legs are good, not perfect, and there are expression things to work on, and he put me through my paces on a cross body lead in Cha Cha and doing the Hockey Stick properly into a Fan in Latin Rumba, but the biggest problem is the cardio, and of course, secondarily, the extra weight.  He suggested I work most on those things and lose as much weight as I can before the competition so it will be easier on me.

So I kind of left my lesson feeling a little bummed.  Not a news flash, all this information.  I already know it.  I just wish I could wake up and be the size I was when I was 16 again.  Also, I was feeling insecure.  I tend to vascilate between feeling secure and good about myself and my dancing and then being dismayed that I will never be as good as I want to be, and that mabye I’m delusional about how good I even am right now!  Does anyone else cycle through these as well?

But I digress.  I found, that the dismay also kind of motivates me.  When I have a definite goal, with a definite deadline, and I know I’m not even close to where I want to be, I personally become more motivated to make changes.  So on my way home, I realized that all I would do if I went home was to sit on my fat butt and watch DWTS and maybe write a blog post.  Then I remembered that Marietta teaches a woman’s styling class at Dance Starz on Mondays.  I made a U-turn and headed over to the studio.  No time like the present to take action,right?  Plus, it meant that  I got a double dose of the Dishilev’s tonight!

Anyways, it was one of the best classes I’ve had with Marietta.

This may seem like a tangent, but follow me here – everyone is a genius at something.  From my perspective, Marietta is a genius at sensuality and femininity in ballroom dancing.  It is one of her greatest strengths.

Also, it is amazing to me, how the professional ballroom instructors I’ve experienced are so unabashed about their bodies.  There is like, no shame whatsoever.  I just can’t really relate to that.  But a part of me wants to get there and as uncomfortable as it is, especially with how I’m packaged right now, I’m willing to do the best I can in the moment with it.  These ballroom mavens like Marietta and Inna are the perfect people to model this for me, being as comfortable with themselves as they are.

In any case, Marietta is one of my favorite dancers because she really feels the movement.  She has totally permissioned herself to enjoy every sensuous movement, to touch her body, to play.  The movement she creates with her arms, for instance, as she explains it, isn’t because someone told her to do them a certain way, it’s because that’s where they want to naturally go, where they naturally extend, in a gorgeous and controlled way, because of the movement generated from her body, from her core, from her heart.  She is 100% okay with being sexy, oogled at even.  Again, I really can’t relate.

But what I can’t relate to even more, is putting on socks, taking off my shirt, putting on lotion, and looking in the mirror.   Yes, I know this makes no sense right now, but here’s what happened on the lesson.

Because the styling and movement of the body and arms comes from a natural, organic place, Marietta suggested we start with an everyday task we girls supposedly do.  Marietta suggested we begin with looking in a mirror.  Um, yeah, I generally avoid looking in mirrors, and I don’t have any hand mirrors in my possession.  She had us pretend we were grabbing a hand mirror, looking into it, and loving what we saw.  Uncomfortable.

Then she asked us how we put on socks.  I just slap those suckers on.  She was like, “Oh no!  That won’t do at all!  If I were alone and putting on socks, I’d do this.”  And she bent over, legs demurely crossed, butt up in the air, and delicately, sensually, rubbed her ankles then allowing her hands to traverse her calves, thighs, and all the way up to above her head.  By now, other people in the studio started to watch the class.  I admit, it’s difficult to keep your eyes off Marietta.  And, about this time, I noticed that my legs are at least twice as wide has hers.

She had us practice this movement a few times and then we were on to taking off our shirt.

“How would you take off your shirt?  Please demonstrate for me.”

I shrug my shoulders, cross my arms across my vast belly, and mime pulling upward.  Kind of in a manly, unconcerned way.

Again, not even close to how Marietta demonstrates.  It’s really difficult to describe this all in words!  How to get your mind’s eye to see how it all looked is kind of impossible.  But here’s the best I can do.  She crossed her arms, grabbing at her tiny waist, and drug her hands and fingers, not missing one inch, even her bosom, upwards, uncrossing them until her arms were above her head and only her wrists were entwined, creating almost like a fan out of her hands.  It was gorgeous.

Then she had us put on lotion.  I just cursorily slap that stuff on, when I even bother to use it.  Quick, functional movement.  But Marietta, oh, you’d probably already guess by now, she luxuriates in the movement.  How can a person make something that is so mundane look so interesting?

Finally we had to put it all together.  A basic Rumba box, two Cucarachas, a step back and them “Bam!” We’re supposed to project that sensual energy, reaching for something we want with all our might toward the mirror, arms reaching outward to grab this thing we want so very much.  Then we are to pull it into ourselves, caressing our necks, down through our chests.  Finally, put on a sock, rip off our shirts, rub lotion on our arms, and look at ourselves in our hand mirror.  It’s embarrassing!

It is easier just to do prescribed movement.  Rote movement.  Exact placements of arms rather than feeling it from the inside and expressing it nakedly on the outside.

It’s easier to not become the center of attention, and to avoid touching this body of mine.

It is difficult, for me, to allow myself to really enjoy any of this.

Marietta got a bit upset with me at one point because I was feeling self-conscious and shy doing all this and she wanted me to demonstrate reaching forward with all the yearning energy for that thing I want so badly for the other student in the class.  By then, I’d noticed other people watching us.  That made it even worse for me.

Marietta was like, “Go.  Do it.  Now! Move!  Go! I’m out of words!” And I was like, in my head, waiting for this person to pass behind us, that person to look away, that person to exit.  I didn’t want to be seen.  Eventually, after a lot of deep breaths and once people had moved far enough away, I did my best – enough to satisfy Marietta, but also just enough for me to think I looked like an idiot.

But I survived.  Amazing, isn’t it?

But then Marietta explained something that really stuck with me.  She said that she doesn’t really know how things look when they look good – that that is for others to judge – but rather she knows how it feels.

That, right there, is her genius.  That is why I love watching her and Ivan dance so much.  She is fascinating to watch not only because she is gorgeous and moves fantastically, but because she is actually enjoying the movement.  She revels in the sensuality of it all.  She is unabashed and confident in herself.  Her femininity exudes powerfully and draws me in as a viewer into her story, which seems like it should be a private affair, but there she is, enjoying it and sharing it with the entire crowd.

It’d be awesome to have that kind of power.

It just really affected me – her comment about that she doesn’t know how it looks but rather how it feels.  I reflected; maybe I’ve been looking in all the wrong places to find this for myself.  I realize that look to others, and compare myself to them.  That’s a losing game.  I also look to the mirror but it is not something I love or enjoy to see.  Indeed, it is an invitation to tailspin quickly.

But instead, what I can do, is put the blinders on to the outside and feel.  The Stefanie inside doesn’t feel she is 300 pounds, big, jiggly, and gross when she is in the zone just feeling and being present in the moment.  Like when Ivan and I have dance with our eyes closed and I have to really tune into my body and the leads, nothing else exists – there is no space for the insecurities or the fears or even to consider what other people might think of me, how I look, what I’m doing.  That is where I need to look to find this movement – that was the epiphany tonight.

Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t to say that feedback from others or the mirror isn’t useful.  It’s just that it may not be the best place for me to find the feeling, and from that feeling the movement, that I’m looking for.

Toward the end of the lesson, Marietta asked me what I thought this lesson was about – and that if I couldn’t handle the 5 people in the studio watching me be all sensual and stuff, how would I ever handle an entire ballroom full of people?

I replied, “This lesson is about feeling really uncomfortable and doing it anyway.  It is about deciding to not care what other people are thinking of me as I do this, and to just get in my own little bubble and do whatever it is I want to do here completely.”  I didn’t say it out loud, but what it was also really about, was claiming and holding my space.  Like, really owning my space on the dance floor, as if I’d put up a fence to declare it mine – one that said,  this is my area to shine and play and do whatever I want.  Don’t come invade it, it’s mine, not yours.

So anyways, it seemed apropos after all these realizations, when I opened my mail tonight and saw a card from my crazy aunt Julie (by marriage – and I mean crazy in the most lovingly way possible – it’s kind of a term of endearment for her).  Anyways, it fits perfectly into the theme of my lesson with Marietta, the sensual genius, tonight:

Boy does that cat look stupid in a pink bikini doing a pole dance.  But you know what, that kitty is working it!  Maybe I should take a cue from this feline.  Let it all hang out…after all, I am totally about the Meow!  Lol.  I’m going to take this opportunity to pledge to myself (and publicly) that I will continue to “work it” as much as I can.  That I am willing to go to these uncomfortable places if that’s what it takes to become who I want to become.  And finally, to thank Miss Marietta for being my teacher, mentor, and friend, and for pushing me a little further out onto the branch today.  Pretty soon, just like Ivan’s new chicks, I’m gonna fly!

Well, it’s been a long day and I am pooped, especially after staying up late to watch the last night of Emerald Ball online and two amazing dance lessons – one that stressed me physically and one that stretched me emotionally and as a woman and performer.  It’s time to go collapse in bed…I’m not even going to watch DWTS tonight and that should tell you something!

How are you “working it” in your ballroom journey?  What things do you struggle with the most?  Can you describe some moments in which you had a breakthrough and let it all “hang out?”

Until next time, I’m signing off.

XOXO, Stef

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Topical Series: Money Makes The World Go ‘Round

Not one to shy away from a touchy issue, I’m going to dare to broach the subject of money in the context of ballroom.

Oh, there are group lessons you can find as inexpensive as $5, but if you are a competitive amateur student and ballroom junkie like me, private lessons with an experienced (and maybe even some less experienced) instructor can easily cost upwards of $75 a pop. Yes, there are some cheaper lessons out there….the lowest I’ve heard of is $60….but there is also the other end of the spectrum of $100 or even $125 per lesson. For a professional who is a champion or a pro on DWTS, they can probably charge whatever they want.

For someone who dances like me, ballroom rivals, and I think exceeds, the financial cost of a another expensive sport and hobby, golf.

No doubt about it, ballroom is an expensive pastime, but where does all that money go? Why are lessons so expensive? Why would anyone in their right mind (including me) pay upwards of $50 to dance for a mere minute-and-a-half in competition? Truly, it boggles the mind.

I want to tackle this topic in a sensitive way but I do think the questions are valid. Again, this is just my perspective, and I am sure there are many others. I am open to your commentary and feedback.

I guess I’ll start by explaining why I am willing to pay such a premium.

The most basic and personally compelling reason is because I enjoy doing it. But for someone new to dancing, or for someone just new to the ballroom world, even this valid reason may not be enough to justify the expense in some people’s minds.

I mean, all the ballet and jazz dancing I did in the past, though associated with a hefty price tag, still never approached the cost of ballroom. I attribute this to the fact that the classes were group, never private, and recitals were infrequent events. Even the costumes were less expensive, never being bedazzled with Swarvosky crystals.

But in ballroom, the way I dance, it is mostly private, one-on-one lessons. So part of the expense can be explained by this fact.

Next, I consider the extensive training and expertise and experience of my instructors. They, too, have poured literally thousands of hours and dollars into their own dance training. Their education, just like that of other professionals such as doctors, lawyers, and pharmacists, is extensive and expensive! It’s just that their process looks different and doesn’t take place in a traditional college or university most of the time.

I have to say, that at the going rate, I consider Ivan’s rate to be a steal and I am more than happy to pay the monthly fee at Imperial for the group lessons with Inna. I have garnered great value from my money and time. So for me, even though I’m like, ugh! I wish things were less expensive overall, I am grateful to get such a comparative bargain. I feel like my ballroom dollars go a long way.

Also, I will mention one caveat here – there do exist different levels of experience and expertise when it comes to instructors. Some are worth more than they charge, and some charge more than they should! Certainly an important consideration on where to spend your money will be the level and experience of your instructor. The same $75 can buy you a varying degree of value! Make sure to do your due diligence and research your options before committing to an instructor – especially if you have to purchase a package that will entail multiple lessons with that same person.

Okay. So the process of becoming a professional dancer is expensive. Just like the process of becoming another traditionally recognized professional is.

But still, what about competing? Why is that an astronomically expensive prospect?

Okay well, on some level, that makes sense too.

First off the “daily fee” for an instructor.

I’ve heard variations from $180 to $25,000 per diem cost. Why? Well, because a dance teacher’s income is dependent upon lessons. If a person is gone say, from Thursday through Sunday, as most competition schedules would have you be, then an instructor misses out on all those lessons that would normally take place on those days. Which days do you suppose have the highest volume of lessons? Well, Thursday through the weekend, of course…that is when most people have spare time, right? And as for the variation in daily fees, that has to do with how highly ranked the professional is, how many lessons they generally conduct, and how much individual lessons cost….

For instance, in practical terms, let’s do some theoretical projections.

Say a person charges $75 per lesson and they teach 6 lessons a day…that’s $450 in lost income for each day they go to a comp.

If a person charges $100 per lesson, and teaches 10 lessons daily…that’s $1000 in lost income for each day they go to a comp.

So I, in theory, agree with the daily fee idea because it makes a bit of sense. However, as a student who bears that burden of making up the difference, I do find that it makes the decision to compete a bit harder.

I mean, to be able to afford an extra $1000 per day after also paying for airfare and hotel lodgings, not to mention $45 to $50 or perhaps even more per heat, and also considering the cost differential for scholarship rounds and solos…sheesh! It is a lot to take on. And that doesn’t even take into account purchasing or renting a dress or getting your hair and make-up done, the nails, the nylons, the shoes, the eyelashes, the spray tan.

And by the way, why are individual heats so costly? $50 per 1.5 minutes? WTH?

From what I understand, the cost is made up of two fees: the fee for the competition, and the fee for the instructor. The fee for the competition is usually around $35 to $40 and then the fee from the instructor can range from $15 to $25 or maybe even more, depending on the caliber of the instructor. So this means that one dance could cost $45 to $70 or more.

I honestly don’t know the exact rationale behind these charges, but I’m sure the cost associated with the competition covers the sunk costs: hotel space being used, the DJ, the staff, the adjudicators, etc., which can’t be cheap!

But no one really breaks down all the fees, usually. I think what normally happens is that students are presented with a lump sum. Some instructors may split the costs of housing and lodging and transportation between students if more than one goes, but I think it is possible that they could still charge separate daily fees, or also divide that cost up and share it among multiple students. But even so, it is pretty rare to know the details of the total bill.

And of course then there are the packages at the comp. Packages cover nights in the hotel, some meals, and tickets into the ballroom sessions. So even before you dance, there is a basic fee just to be present. Then it gets more expensive the more you dance.

By looking at the bill, as a student, you may then wonder at the cost and ponder why, if you are paying so much, your instructor isn’t a millionaire, already? I mean, most professionals can’t demand $75 or more for less than an hour! That is significantly more than I make as a pharmacist!

I certainly don’t have all the answers here….but here are my thoughts and guesses. First, maybe the instructor is making a good living. They have what we students want and are willing to pay for. But the volume of lessons can vary considerably. People move, or get injured, or only take lessons to prepare for their wedding. People switch instructors. The turnover in students can be very high. An instructor’s schedule may not be completely booked solid. Even at $100 per lesson, if a pro only teaches a few lessons a week, it could be hard to make ends meet.

Next, most pros are going to want to continue to hone their craft. This means they have to pay to be a student! Whether through videos or workshops or coachings, they must pay, often at an even higher premiums for high-level coaches than students pay, to participate. For especially well known coaches, this may also include hosting the coach locally – paying all traveling and lodging expenses plus showing the coach a good time.

Then, if the pro competes professionally, they have to pay the entry fees at the comp. I have no idea the pricing on that, but just like we amateurs, they have to have the clothes, and hair, etc. plus, they generally compete more frequently than students. They have to hoof it week in and week out. They have to pay all the costs associated with competing and if no students participate, they bear all that financial burden alone. Also, they must continually change their image. It may be okay to wear a dress a few times but no more than that. The pros have to maintain the illusion of effortless glamour and grandeur and this means new dresses, different hair styling, and a different “look” to keep things exciting.

I personally own just one dress and it cost more than my wedding gown. To imagine having to obtain a new dress every few months, with all it’s fringe and crystals and sequins, is a daunting prospect.

It makes me wonder if there is still a hidden agenda to keep ballroom “exclusive” meaning that only those in the upper classes can participate in it. I’m just sayin’ that ballroom dancing is not very accessible to the general public, the hoi paloi if you will. And that, I personally believe, is a shame.

I wish ballroom were more available and accessible to anyone who had an interest regardless of their socio-economic standing.

I suppose that if a person were truly and deeply motivated, they’d find a way to participate in this sport – however, the price of playing, even at a novice level, makes the chances of someone casually engaging in this particular craft pretty darn slim. And that is too bad. I’d like to see people have more options and access, at least at the beginning levels so they could discover if this was something they’d want to pursue. (For the purposes of this discussion we are only considering competitive ballroom. Yes, there are less expensive ways to dance such as doing Amateur only events or social dancing or taking classes at the local community college. For many people this works great. But for others we want that competitive experience.)

So anyways, competitive pro/am ballroom isn’t for the person without some expendable income. I personally just accept that this is the price to play as a participant in the ballroom game. Whether I agree with the fees, or not, to do this particular activity, I must pay in dollars what I must pay. I mean, every moment is a choice and every choice has prices and benefits. I guess, for me, the benefits outweigh the prices, even at $75 or more per 45 minutes. If you’ve read my blog you’ll probably be able to see the value I’ve garnered from my interactions and many times there is no dollar amount that could possibly be assigned to what I have gained.

So what is your take on the sensitive issue of money in ballroom? How does it affect your decisions to participate in various activities? Do you think it is worth the cost?

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I Like You For One Second

So I decided to fit one last lesson in before Ivan and Marietta headed off to Emerald Ball Wednesday afternoon.

Tangent here….congratulations to Rose and Michelle who made it to the finals in the Latin Open A Division at Emerald Ball on Thursday.  Rose got 2nd place!  Seriously, they are amazing.

Okay, back to my story.  It was a good choice to take that lesson.  Because for me it was one of the best, most enjoyable lessons I’ve had.  Most of them are pretty great, I’ll admit, but for the first time today, I think I really experienced and generated what people talk about when they say how important it is to dance with your energy.

First things first: Alaina, Ivan was thrilled when I told him that he was right about calling jellyfish medusa.  He said, “See, I so smart!”  So thanks Miss science major.  You brightened Ivan’s day.

Secondly, we began with a little Mambo to kind of warm up.  At first Ivan was being arm-y (this is an official dance term – Not! – but what it means is that the movement and leads felt like they were generated from the arms rather than the body) and forceful.  As hard as he pushes, I, as a follower, have to match that and resist. It is exhausting when he’s pushing hard.  And, I discovered something else about that as well, which I’ll get to later.  So anyways, I was really noticing the force and pushing so I actually stopped Ivan and told him to relax.  He was just being his “puppy dog” excited self, but it was making things more difficult.

So he kind of calmed down and we moved on to my favorite, Latin Rumba.  He went on automatic pilot and just grabbed my hand, but me, I love the connection stuff and wasn’t willing to settle.  I pulled my hand away and said, “Now Ivan.  You gotta invite me to dance!”  He immediately perked up and was like, “Yes.”  So we slowed down, centered ourselves, he offered me his arm, and I took a moment to raise my hand above my head and place it in his.

“I like the arm.  But what the hell (he said smilingly while laughing) is going on with the foot?  I like you for one second, but you dancing three seconds.”

Yeah, Ivan.  Thanks for the feedback.   So I corrected that detail and we started again.

But then he wanted me to wait and hold that position as he began the dance, stepping toward me so that our faces were close.  I was to wait for the lead to actually step back and hold my ground until that time, even as he was coming directly toward me.  It was a bit of a challenge.  I was unsure of where to go because normally I vacate space so he can step into it, but in this case I wasn’t supposed to do that.  Ivan explained that the Rumba (in not as eloquent words as I’m going to use here) is like breathing, in and out.  The Rumba is supposed to be a coming in close and the illusion of almost consummating close contact, and then the pushing away, moving outward at just the last moment – a dance of expansion and contraction of the space between the partners.  Well, anyways, that bit needs a bit of work but it is exciting to be thinking of things artistically in this way.

The long and short of today’s lesson was that I still need to push that button inside me that will allow me to step into complete confidence and freedom of expression.  Ivan even told me, “I know you can do it,” and it always means a lot when your mentor says something like that, you know?  He can see it in me, so he’s bothering to pull it out.  He even commented that perhaps other instructors who might be on the clock wouldn’t necessarily take the time to work on such things.  But that right there is why Ivan is my instructor.  That is why I’m so devoted to being his student.  That is the amazing value I get from learning from this particular man.  Ivan does take the time to work on this stuff.  He does slow down and try and pull the expression out of me.  It is so completely what I need.  I feel like perhaps we had a celestial contract to work with one another in this lifetime, you know?  It may sound woo woo, but really, it is a special, sacred kind of work.  And seriously, ask my mom, for whatever reason that I can’t explain, Ivan is able to tell me things and do things to me and with me that if my family or husband would do, I would absolutely have a meltdown!  Somehow he is able to bypass my programming and defenses and make it work.  Thank you God for this gift in my life.

Ivan made a point to tell me that he is not judging me.  That we’ll get enough of that with judges at competitions.  And that other instructors perhaps might not want to dance with me like he does, or be willing to dance with me at larger competitions, because of my size.  Yes, he said, yes I dance well, but other instructors might be so concerned with how things are supposed to look that they might prefer to dance with a slimmer, fitter, blonder, more traditionally-beautiful student, even if they danced worse because the truth is, the reputation of the pro is at stake when they dance with amateurs.  How the amateur student-partner performs reflects upon the teacher in the ballroom world.

Believe it or not, this totally didn’t bother me.  Actually, it just occurred to me as I’m writing this that for some people, this might be hard to hear.  I guess I just already accepted the fact that I’m not the usual ballroom dancer.  I already experienced going to studios (when I was looking for an instructor) and them just partnering me with whomever had space in their schedule, rather than seeing how I moved or asking me my goals so they could match me with the best fit.  I “get” that from just seeing me, you’d never know how deeply my motivation runs, or how well I move, or even my potential – Ron Montez, himself, was a bit flabbergasted and admitted to me that he’d kind of formed an idea of how I would move when he saw me initially but that it wasn’t the case and that I’d surprised him – so if that kind of high level champion and professional can’t tell, I can’t expect anyone else to, either.  I’ve already accepted that there will be people who will judge me and who will see my adipose tissue before all else.  I’ve already faced the music, knowing that it is possible that I could dance better than anyone else (which isn’t really where I am as a dancer but to make the point go with me here) and still be judged harshly, and scored lowly, just for presentation.

So I think that makes it even more exceptional that Ivan is willing to dance with me, and even more, that he is willing to develop me.  He so isn’t in the game of just sucking me dry financially.  He’s in the game of a person helping another person out.  Thanks Ivan.  You are the best.

Okay, back to the actual lesson….

Ivan made me play.  He put on a song and asked me just to move.  Not to dance and “steps” but rather just to be interesting, engaged, dancing.  He referenced the time at Sunburst last Decemeber when we just danced for fun.  I told him that the music informed my music – basically, whatever the music was, it told me how to move.  Fast. Slow. Crazy. Playful. Fun.  Whatever.  But it made me remember that when we were jamming that night, there was an amazing energy exchange between us.  Ivan was leading me in dances I didn’t know (the Lambada) and also just dancing like you’d dance in a club with no choreographed steps.  It was SO fun!  And, people gave me compliments on how fun it was to watch me.  My energy was in full force that night.  I was just out there, not caring what anyone thought because the floor was full and the judges panel had gone to dinner and I was just dancing to the music with my friend.  I felt free.

So, it was a good reference.

Ivan made me play around just like that.  He wanted me to “surprise” him.  He used to say that to me in our earlier lessons when he was trying to coax some expression out of me.  But he hasn’t said it in a while.  The thing is, that Ivan truly does want to have an authentic energetic exchange while we are dancing.  He wants, as far I can can discern, to have that conversation between leader and follower.  He wants to have the connection.  What I am saying, is that it would be great for him to be on the receiving end of a person “surprising” him.

The problem is, I’m shy.  The problem is, I contain myself, because part of my brain is concerned with how I look and what Ivan will think of me if I look stupid.  It’s so unconscious at this point, I don’t even realize I’m doing it.  Until Ivan had me do this exercise, that is.

He told me to dance in front of him and that he was going to be totally disinterested.  He was going to be judgemental and tell me I was a horrible dancer.  It was my job to ignore that and be interesting enough that he’d start to watch me.  I moved around a bit but it wasn’t working.  Then I stepped behind Ivan’s back where he couldn’t actually see me and went nuts!  I totally let loose because there was no one actually watching me.

“See!  This is it!”  Ivan exclaimed.

“Huh?”

“Didn’t you feel the difference, Stefanie?  When you going behind me you completely free.  You let go.  This is what you supposed to be doing in front of me.”

Suddenly it clicked.  I “got” the difference.  I felt the difference.  It was an “Aha” moment.

So then he went even deeper.  He told me, “See, we touching the button.  It not totally pushed yet, but we hitting on it.”

He explained that there were still barriers that have to come down.  For instance, he told me that when I am concerned or worried about my body or how I’m dancing, he feels that same way.  He said he feels “shy to touching” my body when I am hating on it because he can feel my concern that he will “discover my fats” on the arms, the legs.  He could also tell that I’m struggling a little bit with touching him while dancing too.  He physically grabbed my hand and said, “Hello.  I am Ivan.  This is my leg.  This is my butt. This is my head.  This is my arm.  This is my breasts.”  He slapped my hand on each part as he named it.  “It’s okay to touching it.”

I got a bit scared.  Because what he was really asking of me was to touch him and energetically connect with him as if I wanted him physically.  That isn’t appropriate! My mind screamed.  But the thing is, this is that acting hat I’ve got to learn to put on.  Of course it isn’t how things are in “real life” but rather it’s that magic, protected bubble Aurora was talking about where the normal rules don’t apply.  Where the show happens. But there also has to be an element of authenticity to it.  Even though I don’t really want to like, oh my gosh, I’m getting so embarrassed here, but I don’t really want to “bone” my instructor but I have to act and imagine how I’d be if I were going to do that.

Before in this post Ivan told me to come at him like a tiger.  But this was pretending to be an animal.  It was supposed to help me connect with that kind of character.  But a tiger is a tiger, and a woman who is interested in a man is something different.  The tiger is less scary to play at.

But after the “Aha” moment, I was able to wrap my head around all this a little bit better.  Ivan asked me to do some Latin walks, coming toward him.  I thought to myself, how would I walk toward him if I was pursuing him?  And it’s kind of hard to put into words what happened.  I’ll try my best.

The Latin Walks were no longer just steps I was taking to move forward.  They had a purpose.  I was driving toward my “man,” coming directly at him, unabashed, confident.  My energy, usually scattered, was focused and directed to Ivan.  It’s like the light produced from a light bulb which is diffuse and harmless versus the light of a laser which is focused and can cut through cement.

And Ivan noticed the difference too.  I was coming from my core, both physically and energetically.  He was like, a little bit scared!  He was genuinely surprised.  For once I was a driving force in the partnership.  He could retreat a little.  I was showing up.  He told me, “Now I become shy!  I put you to a turn because I scary!”

So I can do it.  It is there inside me!  Wow!

Next, Ivan had me do more walks and I put my free arm out to the side, holding it still for the first four counts because on my coaching with Linda Dean she demonstrated the power of keeping the arms still to emphasize the legs.  My legs and feet are more of a strength in my dancing than my arms so it makes sense to take advantage of this way to draw attention to my assets.

Ivan was like, “You always putting your arm still because of Linda Dean.”

“Yes, Ivan, I like to do that for the first few counts.”  I explained my reasoning.

“Okay, okay.  Do it like that then change it to how Ivan would like you to do it.”

That meant I should allow my arm to undulate like the tentacles of a jellyfish.  He likes to never stop moving.

Then he got excited.  “Okay, it’s good.  Now do it like Inna!”

I was like, “Pah!”  Thinking strength and attack.

“Good, good!  Now Marietta!”

I pouted and tried to be flirty and soft and feminine.  He laughed at my impression.

But it was a really great discovery.  I cycled through the four personalities, Linda Dean (proper and elegant), Ivan’s way (moving and fun-loving), Inna’s way (powerful, aggressive), and Marietta’s way (flirty and sassy).  It was easier to imagine how these very different and amazing dancers would do the movement than to imagine a tiger.  And it created amazing contrast in the steps, making the Latin walks much more interesting.  It was fantastic.

Next we moved on to Cha Cha.  We do this one figure from a cross-over to face each other and cha cha, then I step forward and flip 180 degrees and we travel backwards doing a cha cha lock and then I flip to face him and I’m supposed to put my hand on his chest.

Well, when I do it, I look down, or to the side.  I’m focused on placing my hand.  But it’s not a very exciting moment when it really should be.

“Why you always looking to down?  NO!  You have to looking directly at me.”

Aha.  I got it!

We did the move again, and just like I came at Ivan with that directed, focused energy on the Latin walks that surprised him, I came at him like that in this move.

He was like, “Wow!  You scary.  This good.  I have to be uncomfortable dancing with you.  I have to be feeling this.”

What?  Him uncomfortable to dance with me?  This is a total reversal of the usual situation!  Huh.  But wow.  That is really asking me to be an equal partner.  That is allowing for me affect him as much as he affects me during the dance.  I’ve just assumed the submissive role being the student, you know?  But that doesn’t make for an interesting dance dynamic.

And now we come full-circle.  Back to the other thing I discovered on the lesson that I mentioned in the beginning of the post. About when he was kind of pushing me around the floor.  The thing I noticed was that when he is dancing from that place, I don’t have the space to move my own self.  All the resistance restricts my movement.  It seems like it’s helping but really it is making me more dependant on him than I should be.  I really should be on my own two feet, maybe like 98%, and using Ivan like 2%.  But when we dance like usual, it is something like 90%/10%.  When he backs off, and only gives me the merest suggestion of a lead, I am empowered.  I have to move my own ass!  But it is so much freer.  I can move more.  So as much as I need to drive forward and be more active in the dancing, Ivan needs to practice backing off!  Interesting, huh?

Sheesh! Probably one of my longest posts ever.  It was just such an “Aha” awareness that I had.  I don’t think my dancing will ever be the same.  Now maybe Ivan will like me for a whole two seconds!  Ha ha.

Alrighty.  I’ll end for now.  Good luck to Ivan and Marietta as the compete at Emerald Ball tomorrow (Sunday) night!

Caio!

by

Medusa

Good news is, I’ve begun a new job.  It’s a contract job and guaranteed for six months.  After that, who knows, but I’m really hoping it might turn into a “real” job.  They have to put a lot of resources into training us newbies and I can’t imagine they’d want to mobilize the resources again in a few months, except for in extreme cases of workers with poor performance or a hiring freeze or financial cutbacks.  But again, not something I have control over and I am just extremely thankful for what is, right now.

The bad news is, the learning curve is steep.  Not the normal pharmacist stuff…that’s fine…it’s all the company-specific computer and operational stuff.  It is just a LOT of information to absorb (not unlike learning the entire Bronze syllabus for the Rumba or something in just a few days).  In any case, it was so much info that I dreamt about it last night!  I just know my little brain was assimilating all it could.

You see, I’m playing catch-up because I was added to the job a week after everyone else started.  I’ve had 2 days.  They’ve had 9.  AHHH!  Luckily, I got some one-on-one training to help with all that, but it is still a lot to absorb.  So, all-in-all, not bad news, really – not even close!  After all I’ve been through in the job/financial/work environment categories, I’m GRATEFUL!  It’s just that my mind is spent.  I have the IQ of a wombat by the end of my 8 hour shift (no offense to wombats! Perhaps they are very smart, like parrots.  But I wouldn’t know about that, especially right now.)  And this showed up in my lesson tonight….not to mention the fact that yes, I did watch DWTS this week, and yes, the topical series articles are still in process, but I just haven’t had the mental fortitude to actually complete posts about them with real words and sentences and paragraphs in English and all that.

So anyways, I finished work for the day as a mental case and headed to meet with Ivan.

Even from the beginning he noticed a difference.  I told him, “Ivan!  I’m so tired.  I’m stupid right now.  Seriously.  It’s just that I’m starting a new job and have a lot to learn.  Let’s just dance something socially, kay?”

He was amenable and we began with a nice, soft, sloppy West Coast Swing.  Seriously, I was just barely moving as compared to how I normally show up, but it was about all I could physically and mentally muster.

“Stefanie?  What happen?  You dancing like Medusa?”

“Huh?  The woman with snakes for hair? The one who turned men to stone?  Also known as a Gorgon?  What the hell are you talking about, Ivan?”

“No, a medusa.”

“????”  Arms spread outward to the sides, palms up, shoulders shrugged.

“I make a picture later.”

“Okay Ivan.”

So before I get to that…this is/was the other “bad” news of the night.  I was pretty much worthless on my lesson.  First, I was exhausted mentally.  Secondly, the energy in my body seemed to be completely sapped after about 15 seconds of any dance we worked on.  And, finally I was laughing so much my belly hurt, I almost peed my pants, and because I was guffaw-ing so hard, I couldn’t breathe to dance properly.  It didn’t help that Ivan made fun of every little noise I made.  Yes, I admit, they weren’t what you’d usually hear on the dance floor, but I was so tired that I sighed, or grunted, or squealed depending on if I was trying to push through a move or scared or whatever.

Seriously, my stomach hurt from giggling so much, especially when I tried to “be serious” and then made a noise out of frustration or effort or just to try and breathe and Ivan imitated it which, like a row of dominoes, cascaded into a collapsing heap of me folding inward into a belly laugh.

In any case, we continued to dance and Ivan decided that Bolero was appropriate. Somehow this morphed into Latin Rumba and my Bulgarian dance instructor then decided that it was a prime opportunity to practice crazy stupid lifts and dips for someone as large as I am. We did a few leans with developes and some dips with me lifting my left leg into the air.  But Ivan was making me place all my body weight on his knee while he was in a deep lunge.  It freaked me out.  I actually felt my foot leave the floor for a second, realized that for that moment he was bearing all my body weight, and immediately broke the position so I could plant my feet firmly on the ground.  How can that man hold me up like that?!  I am just so insecure about it I wish he wouldn’t do it.

I have to admit this is not a new fear.  Even when I was 16 and weighed 116 pounds I was concerned about this.  Not logical, I know.  But I was in a production of “The Music Man” in my high school and cast as a dancer and member of the chorus.  There was one move in which I was partnered with a senior theater “god” which made me feel horribly insecure because 1) he was a Thespian paragon and 2) he had to pick me up at the waist and place me on a table.  But then again, looking back on it, it might not have been because of my weight that he failed to get me up there on the table that night.  Truly, he was a slight young man, and not at all muscular in the upper limbs.  In addition, he never practiced the particular move but once with me, and it had absolutely been ingrained in me to practice piano/ballet/anything if it was to be performed to the point where you can do it mindlessly, because when the moment comes to perform, all kinds of things can go wrong.  (And also, once I didn’t practice appropriately and bombed my piano recital.  Not a good feeling! But that is another story).  Anyways, I had a high anxiety level about this move knowing how un-practiced it was, and not having any connection to the person who was responsible for lifting me aloft except for a fearful and reverent adoration from afar, and so, my big fear did come to fruition.  He went to lift me up and I just fell right down.  At least I landed upright, on my feet (so that was good), and he had the theatrical training to grab me and sway side to side to cover the mishap - but I’m pretty sure the audience noticed the gaffe because 1) I made a big loud BOOM! when my character shoes hit the wooden stage floor instead of the table and 2) my dancing counterpart was on a table on stage right doing the same choreography I was supposed to be doing on stage left so things didn’t look symmetrical.  This, plus the fact that the bench I sat on during “Oliver!” while singing “Food, Glorious Food,” collapsed on stage while I (and about 19 other people) were sitting on it, confirmed my fear that I was horribly huge and fat.  See, all along, I really DID have a mental problem.  It just now has manifested into my physical reality, not just my mental reality.

Okay, back now from that psychological detour.  Interestingly, I actually thought this post would be quick because not much happened on the lesson - but clearly my complexes are rooted deeply!  Ahhh!

So a brilliant thing did actually happen on this very-low-energy lesson.  Ivan and I did all our basic Latin Rumba stuff and then I asked him about a step I’ve seen others do, and one that I *think* Igor may have been trying to lead me into last Friday, but that I didn’t know how to do.  What happened next may or may not be the same move, but it was damn cool, whatever it was.  Pretty much from an Alemana I then step forward into a double spiral turn and complete with two walks around the back of Ivan to fan position.  But I didn’t know this at the time.  All I knew was I’d seen this turn-y thing done on YouTube videos by professionals and Igor tried to lead me into something I wasn’t familiar with.

After two tries to decipher which step I meant, Ivan demonstrated what I *thought* I wanted to know so I said, “Ivan, teach me this step.”

At first he seemed a little reluctant but then he was like, okay.

“Is this a Bronze or Silver step?”

“No.  It’s an Ivan step.”

“Huh?”

“It not in the syllabus.  You do it, they kicking you off the floor.  You know who doing this?  It Joanna Leunis.”

“Really!?!  I LOVE her.  She’s amazing.  But okay.  I’m clear. So if we get to do it, we do it in an open heat.”

“Yes, open.”

He led me into it, but only indicated one spiral turn.  I did this successfully then he said, “Oh.  It better if you can do a double.  Can you do a double?”

I didn’t know if I could but I wanted to try.

Bam!  I totally did it.

Ivan and I gave each other a double “Hi Five” and a hug.  I was so excited.  In fact, it was probably the most animated part of my lesson, succeeding at this maneuver.  He told me, “Most people doing this step and can’t even do a single turn.”  He demonstrated, in his Ivan-exaggerated way of how people fall out of the turn (normally), leaning and listing to this side or the other and causing a big problem.  So he wanted me to try it again, just to make sure it wasn’t a fluke.

But me, woot! I easily did the double again! Maybe I’m finally finding my center, once again, and also remembering to spot, plus I had the added advantage of just that little assist in balance from connecting with Ivan – for me that little bit of support makes all the difference, I have to say. So yay.

“See.  I no have to teach you the step.  You already doing it.”

“Let’s try it again, Ivan.”

We did.  And it was successful for the next 3 tries.  On the 4th try I fell to the floor.  I swear the wooden floor at the church is so slippery!  I need new shoes and that floor is difficult.  I love the sticky/tacky floor at Imperial.  It spoils me and I wish it were everywhere!  Anywhoo….I fell.  But I am uninjured and overall the move was a rousing success.

Next onto a Samba.  For some reason, Ivan keeps calling it “Sambera” lately.  Whatever.  He put on the music and since I had suggested we dance socially, we decided to do the Samba in that character.  Oh my gosh, I can’t remember when I ever laughed so hard.  I told Ivan that it is sometimes painfully difficult to watch social dancers do the Samba.  Some of them hop, and jolt, and have no hip movement.  They dance like 2 x 4′s as Ivan calls it when he means people are stiff.  This isn’t to generalize or degrade people who socially dance the Samba, I promise, it’s just that I’ve seen some couples and I’m like, wow, why are you dancing this dance this way?  It is awkward.  Probably the same reaction someone had to me dancing West Coast Swing (as taught by a ballroom instructor) before I knew about the dance.  I promise, we all have stuff to work on, you know?!

So Ivan and I danced this way – no hips, stiff, 2×4, wooden.  It was hilarious!  It looked ridiculous.  And such a contrast from Ivan, who normally dances it so amazingly, and from me, who works so dang hard to create a proper Samba bounce plus hip motion.  I truly wish I had that s*@t on film!  It was too funny.

Honestly though, besides that, the rest of my lesson was unremarkable.  We did Foxtrot, Tango, Waltz, Viennese Waltz, and Cha Cha.  I dragged.  Ivan poured as much Chi energy my way as he could.  It felt a little like an energetic transfusion of sorts.  I did feel somewhat better by the end of the lesson, but still, I’m drained.  Oh well.  Glad I did have one “triumph.”

So please root for Ivan and Marietta as they compete this weekend at the Emerald Ball in LA.  There is live streaming of the entire event (though a pay-per-view) here if you want to watch from home.  It is a big and prestigious and competitive event.  I really, really hope my favorite couple (besides Joanna Leunis and Michael Malitowski) does well.  Ivan seemed to think they wouldn’t even make the final at such a large comp, but I reminded him to look into his mirror, remember the champion he already is, and have an optomistic attitude.  Because you know what? I believe in him and Marietta.  I enjoy watching them dance because they have an real and emotional connection.  And to me, that makes things interesting.  As I’ve said before – I’d prefer to watch a couple that is less technically excellent with an authentic connection than an impeccably technically excellent couple with no emotion or connection any day of the week.

So anyways, as I pumped this positive support Ivan’s way, he rebutted my support by asking me to jump on the roof.  So I jumped.  Not high, not impressively, and certainly not onto the roof, but happily.

He about peed his pants laughing at me.  He said, “Being in the final of Emerald Ball for me is like jumping on the roof right now.  Can people do it?  Yes.  But they need to practice.  You have to remember, I lazy.  And I should be practicing jumping and little by little I jump on the roof like it easy.”

“So what?!” I replied. I jumped up again.  Again, not graceful, not impressive, but to illustrate a point that I hope Ivan got.

The point is, GO FOR IT.  Wherever I am/he is/you are right now, go for it.  Why not?

“You can’t controlling how the judging goes in competitions so you might as well have fun.” Said Ivan.  And I agreed.

“So go have fun at Emerald Ball, Ivan, damnit!  Go have fun!  I will be watching and rooting for you.  You know you are my favorite couple? Right?  Well, if I am honest, besides Joanna Leunis and Michael Malitowski….they I like them best, and you guys (Ivan and Marietta) the second best.”

Ivan was so excited by my comment he said laughingly, “I tell Marietta this.  You know her favorite dancer?”

“Yes, Ivan.  I know it’s Joanna.”

“Yes.  She gonna get a kick that your two favorite couples are Joanna Leunis with Michael Malitowski and us!”

But I mean it.  And so you must be wondering why?  Well, my response is, why not love these two couples?  Because for me, when I watch them, there actually seems to be a connection and that makes the interaction between man and woman interesting to watch.  And Joanna is immaculate.  Truly.  From my perspective, all the high level competitors are technically excellent in their dancing, no doubt about it, but I love the drama, the connection, the emotion.  I personally prefer that above perfect technique, and I guess Ivan does too, based on our conversation which is interesting and makes it no mystery why he ended up being my instructor since we both value the same things in dancing.  I do believe Joanna and Michael to be superior to Ivan and Marietta in terms of experience, ranking, technicque, and even, I hate to say it, connection, but I also happen to believe Ivan and Maretta have the potential to forge an excellence and connection strong enough of their own to compete with the best in the world.  Of course, I’m biased.  But as a dancer and human being, I also happen to see that potential in them.

Whew!  Have I said everything I wanted to say?  Yep.  A brief post – just another 2800-word (and change) post.  Ha ha. Not!

Oh – and before I sign off, I have to explain the title of this post.  Medusa. Well, Ivan “made” me a picture of what “the hell” he was talking about….a jellyfish.  Apparently I was dancing like a boneless, blubbery, soft jellyfish.  The interesting part is that how Ivan described “medusa” to me was that it “90% water.”  Uh huh.  How do you know how to communicate something like that but you don’t know the word for jellyfish?  I’ll never know.  And also, once I figured out that medusa meant jellyfish, I asked Ivan, “Is that the word in Polish or Bulgarian?”

” Bulgarian,” he replied.

“Well great.  ‘Cause that is a useful word, if I ever go to visit there….now I know how to say jellyfish.”  Probably “bathroom” and “beer” and “I’m sorry” would actually be more useful, right?

Damn.

Watch out you Bulgarians.  I am now armed with the word for jellyfish.  Kind of like a Marine armed with a banana.  Sheesh!

It’s way past bedtime.

Gute Nacht,  Stefanie

by

You Push A Big Button Today

On the heels of my last lesson with Ivan I decided that I should at least attempt to wear something different on my lesson today.  You know, about letting the sexiness out and all that.So I decided to wear this dress.  That cute doggie is my girl Buffy.  She was curious while I snapped the picture.  Thanks for the cameo, Buff.

You know, a normal person would just wear this dress, right?  But me, with my big body and my body issue complex, well, I couldn’t bear (or bare) to show that much skin.  So that was just the base of my ensemble.

Next, I added a skirt.  Why?  To put on top of the inner dress liner but under the kind of see-through part.  This way, you couldn’t see my huge ass and big belly as much.  The liner clung to my midsection and you could see every paunch, every pooch, every rounded mountain of flesh, and it wasn’t pretty.

Okay, now for the arms.  I got to cover the wings.  I can’t have all that jiggly flesh wagging in the wind with every cross-over.

Finally, the legs.  With all the cellulite, I need to keep the cottage cheese knees under wraps.  So on went a pair of black leggings with a little short skirt attached that folds over the top.

So the final outfit had four layers of material.

Maybe it’s not such a mystery why I sweat so much on all my lessons.  I’m always wearing three to four layers of clothing.

Usually, just my calves and forearms are showing.  Oh, and my face.  Everything else I try to cover, in black (it’s slimming, right?) so I look like a big black ball with calves and forearms sticking out.  I kind of want to just make the middle section just disappear, you know?

So I walked into my lesson all bundled up, with my cover-up tied around my waist so you could barely see the dress poking out.

Especially with all the commotion created by the chicks I gave him, we made it through Swing and Cha-Cha without Ivan noticing anything different in my clothing choices.

During the Cha-Cha, Ivan and I experimented with facial expressions.  I did everything! From faces I knew were hideous, just for fun, to “Pah!” and “Shah!” and winking and sticking out my tongue and anything else I could think of.  So that was good, I was playing and experimenting and feeling like it was okay to do that, but you know Ivan – he has to push it to the next level.

“What face you make when you thinking you so good?  When you so beautiful or proud or feel like you are better or stronger than anyone else?”

The question stopped me in my tracks.  I’ve been so focused, most of my life, on blending in, being good but not too good.  Standing out for all the right reasons, but not standing out too much.  Being a sheeple (people + sheep), so I fit in to the fold, being an individual that is slightly recognized, but not showy.

So with all this programming of how I should be, and how I should censor myself so that I’m outstanding, but not too outstanding, I was at a loss as to what a face like that would look like.

It’s not one I practice.

I have a complex, clearly, about being seen as “cocky” or “self-absorbed” or “vain.”

But what if, that was simply a well-founded pride of self?  A healthy appreciation of me?  Wouldn’t that be okay?  What would that look like?

I actually decided I should meditate on what that face would look like for me.  I do think I will explore it, and play in front of the bathroom mirror, alone, to see what it might look like for me to express confidence and love of self, even if some people might interpret it as being stuck up or haughty.  Let them think what they will…AHHHHH!  It kind of already freaks me out.  But whatever.  The lesson didn’t end there.

Because then I revealed myself…I made a fatal mistake, divulging I suppose my true intention with wearing the dress today, though I’d tried to do it in a way that didn’t make me too uncomfortable.

I lifted up the cover-up to wipe the sweat from my brow and the dress underneath was out in the open.

“What’s this dress you wearing?” Inquired Ivan.  “Why you wearing that cover up?  Take it off.”

“No Ivan.  It’s my arms.  I have to cover them.  I hate them.  They are so ugly.”

“I don’t care.  You have to take it off.  You have to loving the arms.  It’s just us here.  Take off the cover.”

Reluctantly, I peeled off the cover and tried my best to ignore my upper extremities.

That was traumatic enough for me, but not nearly enough for Ivan.

“Why you wearing all these layers?  You have to showing the fats.  You have pants on underneath, you should only be wearing top and bottom.  No extra stuff.  Lift up your skirt.”

“Ivan no!  Are you seriously crazy?”

He grabbed it and raised it and discovered my black skirt.

“Show the fats.  Show the fats!  You don’t have a big belly (which isn’t true, I totally do), you having a big ass.  But it’s okay.  Take off the skirt.  Show the fats.  Love the fats.”

He made me shed the extra skirt and then tuck the remainder of my dress into my bosom.  This revealed my legs.

“See.  You looking thinner with less layers.  Now your legs showing.  You going to be incomfortable (that’s an Ivan construct for uncomfortable) but it’s okay.  Now I see your legs.  I never see more than from the knee.  I want to see how they working.  Normally they are covered with a skirt and I can’t see what they doing.”

I was mortified.  But Ivan didn’t let up.

“You have big ass.  This okay.  Touch the ass.  Touch it!  Love it.”

He started playing a Latin Rumba.

“It’s okay, it okay.  See, don’t be scary the mirror.  Look in the mirror.”

Ivan made me stand beside him and face the mirror.

“Do a Latin basic.”

We stood there, side by side, with the romantic music playing, and began to move.  I have to say that my lines matched his.  And for the first time, you could really see my legs were doing exactly what they are supposed to do in that step.  Tears streamed down my face.

“See, the body so free now.  It never getting to be free.”

I have to admit that it felt nice to be cooler without all the layers.  But it is really hard to see myself.  I’ve mentioned that before, I know.

“See.  I not caring how the body look.  I see the straight legs.  I see the good technique.  Love the fats.  Show the fats.  It’s okay.”

I cried during the whole time we danced.  Silently, cleansing tears dropped to the floor as I rocked my hips, grabbed my fat ass like it was the most amazing thing on this earth, and danced as if I were a sexy beast.  I know my face didn’t show it with all the waterworks, but my body told the story.  My big, cumbersome, hefty body.  It talked.  It spoke loudly.  It screamed, “I am a slinky panther.  Watch me stalk my prey!” and “I may be three times her size, but there is a Karina Smirnoff in here, yes there is!

Seriously.  I heard it. :)

What a process this is for me!  I am so grateful to feel safe enough to go here – to have a dojo in which I can do my practice, where I can discover myself and work things out before I present myself to the world.  I am so very blessed to have this safe space to unwind the knots in my psyche – where I know on some level that I can let it ALL hang out, and I won’t be ridiculed, or made to feel inferior.  Indeed, I am encouraged, supported, and pushed forward into the realm of “incomfortable” – the place where the magic of breakthroughs happens, where my life changes, and where I am healed.

Gosh this is an emotional post for me.  I must say.  Reading it back for editing brings more tears to my face.  So be it.

It is worth it.

At the end of my lesson, Ivan looked at me and said, “You push a big button today.”  And boy did I.  I sure did.

This last little bit won’t make sense unless you read my previous post which you can read here.

Anyways, it was a big day.  Just as Ivan didn’t know he’d be surprised with some baby chicks today (see here if you missed that story), I didn’t know I’d be surprised with an opportunity to really step into loving myself, just as I am, while at the same time keeping the vision of what I want to become.  I didn’t know I’d have such a strong chance to connect with my inner tigress, and feel safe enough to shed layers of clothing, which, one could imagine, was a metaphorical representation of shedding layers of psychic and emotional protection so that I feel secure enough to fully and finally unleash my whole self.

On a somewhat funny side note, I also didn’t know that the studio would look suspect with my layers of clothing strewn across the floor from when I’d peeled them off!  Trust me – I was still completely covered from ankles to chest, even with all the changes and nothing improper happened.  But I have to admit, I freaked a little when Ivan’s next student walked in the door!  What must she have thought, seeing my skirt lifted up and articles of clothing laying hither and thither?

Well, you know what?  Who cares?  Who cares what she thought.  It was none of her business, really.  And it is none of my business what she may or may not thought of me.  What matters is what I think of me.  And what I think of me today, was that I was courageous.  No matter what that looks like, I went to a place I’ve never gone.  And that, my friends, is progress.  Woo hoo!

Holy Hell!  What a day.  What a post.

I wonder what will happen tomorrow….

Love,

Button-Pushing-Stef

by

Pick Up Chicks Here!

If you didn’t know, Ivan has chickens.  So when I saw a sign at the Feed Store by my house proclaiming, “Pick Up Chicks Here!” with a picture of a cute yellow chick-a-dee, I thought to myself, “Self, you should get some chicks for Ivan.”  Why? I don’t know.  I have no experience with chicks or chickens, but it seemed like a little adventure of sorts so on my way home from my lesson yesterday as I passed the sign for the 50th time, I made a U-turn and plucked up my courage and walked in the door.

“Hello.  I’m interested in some chicks, but I have no idea what I need to do to keep them alive for 24 hours until tomorrow when I can give them to the person I want to give them to.  Can you help me? Oh, and how much are the chicks?’

They were very helpful.  Turns out the chicks were a mere $4 each, but the feed, the heat lamp, and the water dish cost a bit more.  Still, probably a good investment if the apocalypse happens.  I guess chicks need to be kept warm, at a minimum of 80 degrees.  The people at the store were kind enough to give me a reasonable sized box to house the chickies overnight.  I happily made my purchase, the proud new owner of a Leghorn chick which is yellow and will grow into a white chicken like Foghorn Leghorn from Looney Tunes and is supposed to produce white eggs, and a brown chick called a Long Island Red which will produce brown eggs.  Both were guaranteed to be hens and if they do turn out to be males, well then I can bring them back for an exchange!  How about that?

I didn’t know if this would be a welcome gift for Ivan or not, because I think he normally purchases adult chickens.  I didn’t know if he has raised chickens from chicks in the past but I do know he has his new horse property so he’d have a place for them to live happily.

The chicks were dang cute!  And they make the cutest little peeping noise – not annoying at all.  And not loud enough to torture my dogs.  In fact, the dogs were pretty disinterested in the chicks once I put them behind doors.  I kept them in my bathroom overnight.  And, of course, I had to play with them a little bit!  The Leghorn chick was feisty!  She flew atop the water dish and the out of the box!  The brown one was more passive.  Both enjoyed sitting on my shoulders.  I have to admit, it made me think that it’d be cool to have a bird, like a cockatiel as a pet.

I told my friend Colette about my hatching my plan (pun intended) and she was so excited about the whole thing, she came to see how Ivan would react and to take pictures of the chicks.  When I came to my lesson and brought the chicks in a closed box along with the heat lamp and food and water dish while Ivan was finishing up with another student.  So I waited patiently until the lesson ended.  But I think Colette was about to jump out of her skin with excitement.  She wanted to pluck those chicks out of the box right away!  But she contained herself to not ruin the surprise.

I had told Ivan I had a surprise for him but who could ever guess they’d be getting a pair of chicks as a surprise?

Luckily, when the lesson concluded, Ivan came over and I gave him the box.  He was absolutely thrilled!  It was a total success!  He was like a mother hen with them!

But there was one problem.  What should the chicks be called?  What were their names?

Ivan easily solved the problem.  The blond chick would be Colette.  The brown chick would be Stefanie.

So here’s a picture of Stefanie and Colette the chickens, and Stefanie and Colette the people.  Hee hee!

As if Ivan wasn’t already enough of a chick magnet? Lol.

The end.