Saturday, December 17th, 2011
The exercise mentioned in the blog post “Once More With Feeling”
I set my alarm for three minutes and walk to the bathroom. I look into my own eyes. Almost immediately the tears begin pool.
Why is this so scary, just to be present with myself?
I have to keep taking deep breaths and remind myself to stay present. I already want to disassociate. It would be much more comfortable to look at the eyes before me rather than really see into them.
I am reminded of looking at but not into Ivan’s eyes. I’ve been hiding out.
I promise myself to stay present. “I am here, I am here. I’m not going to leave you.” I mentally tell myself.
What I see is a lot of pain. It’s blocking the view to my inner light. More tears fall.
A scene from The Neverending Story flashes in my mind’s eye. The one when Atreyu faces the Gate of Riddles, also called the Sphinxes. The scene creeeped me out as a kid. Why am I thinking of it now? I vaguely remember the scene has something to do with a person looking into themselves.
My alarm rings. I’ve made it. What did I experience? What does it mean?
Listening to my intuition, I decide to search for a video of the scene from the movie. You can view the scene here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCLAduDXPpQ
It was dead on.
The Sphinxes, it is explained, are a gate. Those who wish to pass must feel their own worth or else the Sphinxes’ eyes will open and blast the passerby to smithereens.
Atreyu watches as knight approaches in fancy armor. It doesn’t help. The Sphinxes can see straight into a man’s heart. The knight is blasted to smithereens.
Atreyu takes his chance. He is just a boy with no protection or armor. He approaches the gate and things seem to be going well until he sees the fate of the knight up close. He begins to doubt. He has forsaken confidence in himself and Sphinxes sense it. Their eyes begin to open.
But Atreyu digs down deep and with everything he’s got the makes a run for it. He makes it through the gate.
Staring at myself in the mirrior I am on the same journey as Atreyu. I, like Atreyu, allow doubt to erode my confidence. But I, like Atreyu, dug down deep and stayed with myself. I made it through the experience just as he made it though the gate.
Now on the other side I see that it is up to me to claim that I am worthy and to live from that space moving forward. And if I find myself doubting, I can re-choose something different. I can choose confidence.
This is what I discovered when I took the time to be present with myself for a measly three minutes. It’s pretty profound if you ask me.
So now, what did you discover?