Today was a stellar dancing day. I mean, stellar. Not only did Ivan like my dancing, but Inna did too. If they are saying I’m doing a good job, then I’m doing a good job.

I’ve decided it must be my new practice skirt. It’s magic. Kind of like the red shoes. Just kidding, but it is still fun to wear because of the movement it generates.

Marietta and Nona made it for me for the showcase but it is also intended as practice-wear. On Monday I went to the ladies’ styling class with Marietta at Dance Starz and she had it ready for me.

I have to say, it’s been quite a week. On Monday at Marietta’s class, I was having a lot of “mental problems.” They were overwhelming. Marietta is gorgeous. Absolutely, amazingly, gorgeous. Her body is perfect, from my point of view. It’s not that all different types of bodies can’t be beautiful, but she has this long, lean, yet voluptuous look. She’s so feminine, and moves so incredibly well, it’s sometimes difficult for me to stand next to her.

It’s nothing she’s doing. It’s all in my head. I totally own that. But it’s stuff I’ve been dealing with since I became aware as a kid that my body wasn’t like other girls’ bodies….that I was bigger. It’s the comparison game, and I’m always a loser. I can’t even imagine having a body like Marietta’s in my wildest dreams. But I wish I could…so incredibly badly. It is entwined with my desire to be a woman, a desirable, captivating, beautiful woman. I just don’t feel like I stack up. Ironic I chose a passion in which most of the top competitors have amazing bodies.

I kind of had a realization about this, though. I’ve been so emotional lately – there’s been some dramatic stress at work and I’m not using food as a crutch to numb myself like I used to – and it’s been hard to weather. Luckily I have dancing and friends, both of which help me stay afloat and refocus. Anyways, I realized that life can really suck whether I’m on the right path or not. What I mean by this, is that difficult emotions arise whether I am eating on a plan and doing what I need to do to lose weight or not. I can totally binge on food or drink a bottle of wine or I can stay on the compassionate self-discipline path and either way, life can really be hard, so I might as well stay on the route that leads me where I want to go.

But that was yesterday. Today I began my day with an early double lesson with Ivan. He’s planning on leaving tomorrow evening (Wednesday) so he can practice with Marietta (I discovered that I’ve been misspelling her name all this time! Ugh! It actually has two “t’s”) before they compete at the Vegas Open this Friday night. She’s going there early to do hair and make-up. I think it’s a great idea, and it shows that they want to get back to the top of their game after a lot of time off because of the wedding. So, it’s a good thing, but a bummer for me and all Ivan’s other students because we can’t have lessons until next week!

Actually, I’m pretty excited because Ivonne and I are going to make a road trip to Vegas on Friday to go watch the Dishliev’s. Katie may join us as well, which would be doubly fun. It will be Ivonne’s first time to see a “bigger” competition. The one she did in Tucson was pretty small. And, it’s her birthday. I can’t think of a better, more exciting way to spend it. The energy of the ballroom during the professional events is truly indescribable.

Also, Marietta and Ivan apparently know of a Bulgarian restaurant that they absolutely love near the hotel in Vegas. We’re planning to go there after the competition and enjoy a big meal.

Well, anyways, getting back to my narrative, since Ivan will be out of town, I elected to have a double lesson this morning even though I also have class with Inna tonight as well.

Ivan and I worked on fundamentals which was excellent. We reviewed the open hip twist step in Cha Cha and he also showed me another variation of the step. Cross-overs continue to be a challenge, but I’m starting to understand the proper movement and timing required. I’m just glad to be getting it right so that I can practice the new way and integrate it into my muscle memory.

We also worked on Swing and did a Foxtrot and Viennese Waltz. I’ve concluded that I need to work on my quadricep strength so that I can actually curtsey. Watching playback of some of my presentations during competitions, they are pretty weak. I also see how low the professionals go, and even if I can’t do that just yet, and heft myself back up, I can go deeper and work up to it.

Finally, we got to the showcase Rumba. Ivan had me do the opening sequence in which I dance by myself. It was actually really cool. I got to the place where he’s supposed to dance with me and he was still hanging out by the music controls. He said that it was good, that he enjoyed watching it. That for the first time he felt relaxed watching me, he could sense I was secure in my movement. He said that he could easily watch me dance for four minutes if I continued to dance like that.

Then he said, “You gotta dance this all by yourself. Not for the showcase on the 16th, but later. You show your balance, and your movement. You dance like you are dancing with someone but all by yourself. This is highest level. It’d be so nice you to doing it.”

Then he gave me a correction in one place (I mean, he is still my dance teacher), but then said, “Do it again because I like it.”

Go me! That is some awesome feedback, if you ask me. It didn’t really give me like a super-ego charge or anything, like it might have in the past. It would have been a “peak experience,” a “high,” to hear that. But this time around, I experienced it in a more balanced, centered way. It’s kind of hard to explain, but it was wonderful, but not like a double shot of espresso for my ego.

It just feels like, especially after Inna’s feedback today, that I’m growing, changing, and shifting closer to the excellent dancer I know I can be and that I’m therefore showing up differently enough that those who see me regularly notice a difference. I feel acknowledged. The dancer in me feels acknowledged.

So, about Inna’s class. As usual, it was a butt-kicker. I’m kind of getting to know Inna’s little peculiarities. She always does this thing. She’ll have us stand in a position, either starting position, or she’ll yell out, “Stop!” in the middle of a routine and have us hold that position. Then she’ll walk around and correct positioning having us all stand still. My God sometimes I want to kill myself! Tonight, for instance, my arm was actually shaking at the shoulder. So she has us hold these positions and then when she’s done making corrections, she says, “And now hold that position for the next 45 minutes.” She’s only half-joking. We really are supposed to hold these positions while dancing over the next 45 minutes of class.

Well, anyways, we did Rumba and Cha Cha. She had us do a Rumba box with arms (which killed my arms) and then she had us do Rumba walks. Going forward wasn’t so bad, but then she got it in her mind to have us do backward Rumba walks. Now, I’ve never done them before. She demonstrated the technique and we went across the floor backwards about 6 times. That was an interesting experience, for sure! But once again, its something I don’t think I’d learn anywhere else. These classes are just so valuable to me and I appreciate them very much.

Finally, we did a Cha Cha combination: two basics, cuban breaks, time step, then locks on both sides. It was exhausting! We worked on making our arms sharp. By this time, my left arm didn’t even want to work! The muscle was just so fatigued I could barely swing it into position, much less stick it there with force, precision, pizzaz. Whatever, I rocked it once or twice, then had floppy arms, then rested, then gave it my all once again.

Inna ended class on time tonight, probably because she had a lesson directly afterwards (thank you Jesus!) so we curtsied and exited the floor. As I was packing up my stuff I just told Inna,

“Inna, thanks for another butt-kicking class! I just appreciate them so much.”

She replied, “You did well tonight! Very good! You’re getting better and better every time.”

Well goodness me! That was an amazing thing to hear.

“Thanks, Inna! And you saw me when I first walked into Jeff’s.”

“Yes, I see it.”

Back then I was carrying around 40-plus more pounds on my body and hadn’t been dancing in over two years. I’d only danced ballroom for maybe 6 months total. It’s kind of cool that she can see my progress. Scratch that, it is very cool.

She’s a top competitor and I respect both her and Ivan as professional dancers who know their stuff. To get a double dose of recognition from them today, well, it really was quite wonderful.

I know that earlier I joked that all this must be because of the new practice skirt I got to wear today. But the truth is, this is the result of dedicated practice, sweat, lessons, and sticking with it. It is about showing up and doing the best I can in the moment. Sometimes, admittedly, it turns out better than others. Today, I guess, was one of the days where it worked out for me…twice! Yippie!

Well, I guess that’s all the news for me in my life, but I see that the new cast of DWTS has been announced. My mother-in-law and I are addicted to watching that show and I usually go to her house to watch it. They have a movie theater in their home with reclining chairs…it’s a little piece of heaven. So I go and then I tell her everything I think, and trust me, I have a lot to say!

The next season premiere is less than a month away, March 19th, and you better believe I’ll be watching.

Alright, kids, it’s time for me to sign off. I’m tired, it’s bedtime, and I’ve written upwards of 1800 words tonight! It’s been a long one.

I promise my next post will be less verbose and include more video. Funny video. In fact, I can hardly wait to share it with you – it’s Ivan at his finest and most hilarious.

Until then…now, to bed!