I just got off my lesson this morning and I have to say, I feel good.
I’m fat, and my feet are slow, and there is still so much to learn and work on and grow into, and so what… I’m satisfied.
I’m satisfied because I’m in there working on it. I’m dancing! And dancing makes me love life, and even love myself. Even when I’m flawed. Even when I mess up.
I almost don’t even know what to do with this good feeling. Isn’t that weird? It, like sadness or anger, also needs an outlet. It too, needs to be expressed.
Like today, after my lesson (well, it was a double) I still had energy. I wanted to dance even more! I wasn’t ready to be done with dancing today.
You see, last night I went to go support my friend and watch her dance in a showcase (more on this experience later). I was surrounded by all these people who love dancing and by the end of the night I just couldn’t wait to get to my lesson this morning. Seriously, it just made me want to get on the dance floor and work.
And even better was I brought some new music and that was awesome inspiration. We began with a Rumba, and I just love the way it feels. Perhaps my technique isn’t perfect, and I still miss connections or whatever, but ever since the running blindly episode, I’ve been feeling more secure than before, more confident. More able to enjoy the dance and be in the moment. More able to just feel and move and there is nothing like it in this world. Yep, you figured it out. Ballroom is my heroin. But as addictions go, I think it’s a pretty good one to have!
Ivan and I had said that today would be all about creating a Samba routine, but we got a little distracted by the great new music which infused a new energy into our dancing. And I just feel so good when I’m dancing, really dancing (not thinking or analyzing or critiquing) with Ivan. It is so wonderful to have a partner that will match my energy, that I can interact with. I mean, I’m starting to feel like I’m coming into my own in some ways. Like yesterday on an impromptu lesson, I actually corrected Ivan for once! Ha! There is no thrill like reversing the tables, you know! All lesson long I hear about my shortcomings, what I should be doing, and all of it is true and right, but you know what, Ivan isn’t perfect either! His shoulder was getting out of line and I didn’t even think about it – I just saw it, didn’t say a word and started touching it, patting it like “Hey! Pay attention here buddy!” And he was all, “Yes. Thank you. You is right.” Bam!
So today when I saw my huge ass and my fat flappy arms jiggling all over the place, I wasn’t happy about it, but for once I didn’t let it get me down. I was feeling too good. I was feeling too strong about how awesome it felt to go “Kah! Wha! Two and three, four and one!” I was feeling the part, living the part, body be damned….and, oh boy I can’t wait until I’m thinner!
So the rest of my weekend is going to be awesome. The Arthur Murray studios in town have gotten together for a competition and showcase thing – last night I saw the showcase part and today is a mini competition and then professional show, including dinner and a performance by Jason and Sveta Daly. So I’m going to get myself all gussied up and go to that tonight which will be very fun, and then tomorrow morning another double with Ivan, then off to Ballet, then off to another lesson with my friend Lady Gaga – ballet and yoga stretching she said. Then in the evening supporting another dear friend, this one a singer, who will be performing her new original works at a fundraising event.
In any case, all this is getting the bug in me. Though I am only slightly smaller than the last time I competed, I want to show up with an even more dramatic difference, but I also want to perform or compete soon. I mean, my routines are still in progress, and I’m not necessarily “ready,” but I still want to do it! The last time I danced publically was back in September. And the performer in me who has awoken and is feeling good today wants to get out there and start being seen on a more regular basis. Life is too short, you know?
I’m thinking about San Francisco, Emerald, People’s Choice. I kind of wish I could do Vegas in two weeks but the mandatory overtime is still in place at work. I’m not entirely sure I’m ready to step back into the Scholarship arena just yet, but I’d love to do some open heats. Ah well, it’s in the works. Hopefully sooner rather than later.
I guess that’s about it for now. I just feel good and wanted to document it! LOL.
Stef – Am delighted that you are moving more and more frequently into joy. Isn’t it wonderful?! I dwell in joy quite often now. What i mean by that is that I often feel so BLESSED – so privileged to have the life I do – that my heart just swells and I feel super-happy. Mind you, I had a good life while i was 50 plus pounds overweight and had not yet discovered dancing, but now i have a GREAT one. Don’t know whether that’s because the dancing itself, and my accomplishments thus far, give me so much pleasure, or whether it’s because I have such a great time with Tim, my instructor, or because i now have a place to go 4 days a week and have fun, or whether it’s because i get such a thrill when I dress up my new body and see that it looks really fabulous in pretty cloths. it’s probably a combo of all of that, but man, I’m flying high, and you will be doing that, too – more and more and more. Also, I’m glad you got to experience a bit of my Arthur Murray world! Someday, I’d like to go to a Dance Sport comp, or a high-level Arthur Murray one. Thus far, Ive only been to low-levels like the Showcase you took in. I’m dancing in one of those in 3 weeks. Bought 2 new dresses!
I’m excited for you to perform again, but even more excited that things seem to have been really looking up for you lately 🙂