Ivan tells me I no longer look like the “Wal-Mart lady.” Or the Michelin man. No, I’ve moved up. I’m now the “Trader Joe’s lady.”
“Higher quality food,” he says. “Maybe not Dolce and Gabanna just yet,” but getting there (is the implication.)
But no matter how big or small I am today, something shifted. It’s Saturday, a mere 4 days before People’s Choice. I’ve booked a double lesson because, you know, we’re still working out kinks on the Samba and well, you never really feel prepared before a competition.
So of course instead of working on the routine that needs the most work, we begin with a warm-up waltz and I like my big frame and Ivan seems to be enjoying himself too. And then we start with the Rumba.
And seriously, I never have heard Ivan exclaim, “Perfect!” so many times. Really, it was an exceptional experience. It probably helped that my weight dropped significantly this week. Today was my weigh in day and I’m down over 5 pounds! I don’t think I’ve ever dropped that much in a week, and the funny part is, yesterday I freaked out. I had this moment, in the bathroom, and I broke down crying. I knew, I just knew, that I was up in weight for the week. I could feel I wasn’t making any progress, that all my work was for naught because it seems like that has been the pattern in the past, that I work so hard and nothing budges. Everything in my being was telling me that I had failed this week and that I was bigger than ever.
So this morning as I approached my scale I was giving myself a silent pep talk: Don’t freak out, Stef, if you are the same or even a pound higher. It’s okay. You can talk with Chelle. She can lower your calories because you know you are right that you are eating too much!
I stepped up and held my breath.
Beaming. Shocked. So happy that something is finally really working.
I don’t think that it’s been a lack of committment in the past, it was just that restricting was not fueling my body, my athlete body, which is underneath the fat suit. I’m retraining it that it will be properly fueled with the right kind of calories, that it can and should burn them efficiently, because more fuel will be coming in regular intervals. There is abundance. It’s okay to let go of the hoard on my backside.
And it almost makes me want to cry. That for years, years people, I’ve been working to be better, smaller, cut calories…that is until I gave up and gave in and lay down. It was too difficult. I was dancing 8 hours a week and eating a bagel afterwards and thought it should be enough. I couldn’t maintain the insanity. And I went from restriction to abandon, not caring, eating all the things I denied myself for years. It was like I went to sleep and woke up in a new, fat body. And then I just adapted to this new, unhealthy normal.
Well, now I’m getting a re-education about how and what to eat….like a Hobbit. And it’s working. Hallelujah!
So it is probably a little bit easier to dance with 5 pounds less on me, and I probably had a little more spring in my step with these great results, but almost right off the bat Ivan was commenting how he loved what I was doing. And the weird part is, that internally I’ve always felt like I was doing this same thing, but maybe I’m freeing myself with just a tiny bit more abandon, and whatever it was, it was working. If I can dance like I danced today at this competition and those to follow, then that will be a major triumph, of showing my insides, expressing, being seen, being connected. However I am ranked or judged, I’ll be proud of what I do on that dance floor. And that is a big win.
I was just feeling and connecting. My energy was right. Ivan said, “You con, con…what is the word? When you have a cold?”
“Congested?” I said.
“Congested,” he said. “Like you is congested and you making me congested.”
Something didn’t quite make sense.
“Ah! You mean contagious!”
“Yes! You is contagious when you dancing like that. You making me so happy dancing like this. Like I’m really dancing with you.” And he got goosebumps at least once which is always awesome.
And we were doing the Cha Cha and he was like, “Show me how much you loving your butt! Make me want to eat your butt!”
And you have to remember Ivan has like zero filter, but anyways, I had to be all “Hey! Look at my awesome butt! Touch it! No you can’t touch it!” And this is why I’m doing the Time Step beside him. Like there has to be a purpose behind every movement, not just going through the motions and all that.
And then I asked him about my fingernails because we were talking about how I was doing my hands on the Fan and showed him my latest set, which were supposed to be gold. It was a trial run before the comp to see if I could do some fancy nails that would match my black and gold dress. After they were done, I was kind of undecided about them. The didn’t come out quite as gold as I’d hoped. But I did get a few compliments on them during the week. So I asked Ivan his opinion, should I keep them or go with pink and white, and remembering that Ivan has no filter, he replies, “This looking like when you were a kid and you…” And he motions like he is cleaning out his earwax.
Well….I guess he has a point. Which meant a trip to the nail salon before the trip to the grocery store today. And don’t you know it took twice as long as I would have liked so I am so behind on my food prep for the week (but I will get it done!!!!), but at least my nails will be Ivan-approved.
And then I went to the store. As I was checking out the cashier said, “Looks like you’re buying for a decent sized family.” And I was all like…awkward silence. And then I was like, “Well, I hired a nutritionist. And you wouldn’t believe how much I’m eating….like a Hobbit!” And she was like “How is it working for you?” And I was like, “Great!” (Not that it is any of your business but well, what was I going to do?) But seriously, there is a huge lack in understanding about what I’m doing with my diet in the general population. Couple that with my size and I’m really glad that I’m mostly eating at home. I did a program once which was very similar to this plan, eating 5 to 6 times daily with a specific blend of carbs and protein and fat but with less tasty food and no awesome nutritionist who had my back, and anyways I always felt really self-conscious about pulling out a container every 3 hours at my desk..that people were thinking, “Why are you eating so much!?”
After our lesson Ivan said, “Today you showing me more. I so proud of what you doing today! I only hoping it not last only one day!” Ha ha.
Me too, Ivan, me too! Though I can only imagine that things will continue to get better and better from here.