Seriously. You have been warned.  If you are not of age or easily offended by explicit talk, stop reading right now!  This is not the blog post for you!  The theme is, “all things completely inappropriate.”

I did speak with Ivan about sharing this, so I have his permission.  OMG.  He cracks me up.

I love that Ivan feels comfortable enough to be 100% himself around me, which, you have to realize  is a 13-year-old.  Pretty much on our lesson today, besides being quite productive and dancing a lot, Ivan was on a rampage about sex.  I wish I had a video camera to capture his goofy facial expressions, the way he says stuff in his broken English with his Bulgarian accent.

The entire day began funny, and I actually spit out water uncontrollably to start it off. One of his other students was talking about her morning hike on which she had seen a man not mountain biking but using a unicycle!

By Torker_Unicycle.JPG:AndrewDressel at en.wikipedia derivative work: Underpants (Torker_Unicycle.JPG) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/)%5D, from Wikimedia Commons

“Oh, this is harder.” Said Ivan and it was just at the right moment after I’d taken a sip of water.

“Why you laughing? At me?”

Yes! They way he said this…. OOOHHHH! THEEESSS IS HARDER!!! I don’t know, it was just too funny.  And it just went downhill from there.

Over the course of the lesson Ivan proceeded to cover various subjects including porn.  He also talked about testicles.  He shared with me about a rash on his bumhole from his underwear that apparently went between his cheeks, “like a tong” he said (translation = thong) while he was doing mambo and cha cha and rubbed the area raw.  Um, TMI?  Ya think?!

Of course, I’m laughing my ass off as he is telling me all this, at the way he demonstrates how he walked yesterday, bow-legged, “like a bulldog,” he says, to allow it to recover.

“I put Neosporin on it,” he tells me.

And then it spills over into how he coaches me.  According to Ivan the way to improve one’s dancing is to masterbate.  Often.  Not before a lesson but after becuase if you do it before you will be too relaxed.

And Ivan doesn’t call it that.  He says, “You have to scratching yourself.”

“We pros doing it all the time. ”

So that’s the secret!  What great news, thank you Ivan.  No more need to spend hours practicing!

You are welcome.

Geez!!

It came up because I was doing this cha cha step and I have a bad habit of not finishing my movements all the way through my fingertips.  I start on this particular step with my hand on my thigh then move it up my body into the air above my head, and instead of holding tension through my fingers, sometimes, instead, I just execute a mushy movement, or “poop” as Ivan calls it, “So nice, perfect, and then you poop! Right in the middle of it.  Pouuuuup!”  So to coach me Ivan was like, “Don’t begin and just stopping!  You have to finish!  FEENISH!!” he admonished.  “You don’t, taka taka,” as he motions suggestively, “and stop halfway through.”

OMG!!!!

And it makes me think of this other funny story my friend told me.  We were discussing some of the less glamorous aspects of competing and as she said, the fake tan smells like, “sweaty balls,” and how sometimes if you move your costume “over” to tinkle, sometimes, maybe the fringe on your costume might possibly fall into the bowl and then you might “accidentally” slap your instructor with it while you are dancing.

And I thought of her and I shared with her Ivan’s advice about how to become a better dancer and I wrote, “Don’t think you’d hear that kind of instruction from your teacher, huh?” to which she replied, “If I did, my ears would bleed!”

I think mine are bleeding right now, too.