Tag Archives: ballroom dance

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Like Potatoes

Maybe the case is the same at your studio, too.  At mine, everyone is at Beach Bash.

 

A Grande Batata

By FelipeFronchetti (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Why that’s important for this story is because my regular teacher, Kristijan, is out-of-town, gracing the floor in Latin probably right about now.  Maybe if you are at the competition you will get to see him dance, as well as a few people from EuroRhythm and more people from Arizona that I’m friends with, some of whom will be performing in the Showcase Fundraiser that’s happening next Saturday, April 16th to raise money for a local domestic violence shelter here in Phoenix called Chrysalis.

In any case, because Kristijan is out-of-town, I had a lesson with my old pal, Damir tonight.  It reminded me that I should make sure to schedule a lesson with Damir maybe once a month or so because what he offers me is so different and helpful and refreshing from what my other instructors, as wonderful and as contributing as they are, can provide.  I marvel at how tiny adjustments made internally make such a dramatic difference in how my movement looks and in how stable I feel.  I am even more surprised at how Damir can tell when I’m “on” and when I’m “off” even when we are talking differences in millimeters or where the pressure is in my foot (like inside edge, or not).

I got in the studio and we caught up a little bit because it’s been a while since I’ve had a significant chunk of time to chat with him one on one.  He asked me how he could help me on the lesson.  Originally I thought maybe I’d learn the Sweetheart step in Gold since it was so completely baffling to me when Shirley Ballas taught class, but then I thought the better of it.  I’m in Silver right now, after all, and learning a step is just learning a step.  I could probably find a video on Facebook if I wanted to learn it badly enough.  More valuable, I decided, was discovering how to be over my hip.

I’d discovered in previous coachings that my hips were not where they should be, especially when stepping to the side.  I have very flexible hips which is an asset and a curse.  The asset is that I can emphasize certain movements in an exaggerated way.  The curse is that I tend to move them too far forward or laterally, or even to prematurely settle backwards because I have the possibility of such freedom of movement there.  But when I do that, and it’s not intentional, I’m not exactly on balance, I’m late in timing, my movements aren’t as coordinated as they could be.  What I wanted to discover with Damir was where it was they should be optimally in a front step, side step, and cross over, so that I could feel it in my body and recreate it later.  I am definitely a kinesthetic learner when it comes to dancing.  I can see things in the mirror and recreate them up to a point, but it’s the internal stuff that you can’t visually see that eludes me.  This is why it is so incredible to have a coach like Damir in my life because he can describe these internal movements and energetic intentions and see them and provide me feedback around them.

What was also so great was that Damir began talking about the Chakra system in relation to the dance movements we were doing.  Most instruction I receive is structural in nature, speaking to the physical body.  It helps me, personally, to have the energetic perspective as well.  Damir talks about where to place my focus on various moves so that my body is then in the proper position.  For instance, for me, I have to focus on the back of my knee, the back of my neck, basically the back side of my body even as I move forward because if I don’t, I will fall forward and create a big mess.  For other people it might be opposite, but I tend to try to get ahead of the dancing and keeping my awareness in the back of my body helps me to actually stay present.

So we began simply and Damir described that what to do was to have the iliac crest of the hip directly over the ball/toes of the foot.  Then before moving, think of the crest going up and under, which also causes the pelvis to become more tucked under, before continuing the motion.  I’m to imagine that my hip bones project all the way to my armpits, they are that solid into the floor, compressed by the ribcage and scapula.  This seems to keep me in better alignment overall as well as to create a gooey, rich movement that doesn’t stop but continues to cycle throughout the body until it comes to the time to take the next step.

Tonight I actually felt the complete cycle internally from step, through the hip, upwards compressing into the spine, then to the lat which perpetuates coming onto the standing leg fully and pulling the moving leg under the body.  It’s all connected.  There were no gaps for the first time that I am aware of from foot one through the leg, hip, the entire body up the spine through the lat and back down in reverse to foot two.

So why, you might be wondering, did I title this post Like Potatoes?  Well in his description of this cycle, especially the part that we were grappling with in terms of the hip and pulling it under the ribcage before moving, he told me this analogy of planting potatoes.  He laughed, admitting that it was probably the craziest metaphor I would hear, but said that if during the winter you eat all the potatoes you have, you will have nothing left to plant come spring.  He said that the general rule is to save about 10% for the future planting.  In dancing, he contested, it is the same.  Conserve about 10% of motion to continue into and thus generate the following movement.  In this case, get on the leg, get the hip over the foot properly, then use the 10% energy left to go up internally into the body to generate the following step.

So there’s that, and also, it ties to something else that’s been happening in my life.  For just the last 3 days or so I’ve been eating vegan.  I’ve been saying that I’ve wanted to eat a more plant-based diet for a long while now, and for Christmas I got a book called “Thrive” which has a bunch of recipes and was created by a guy who is an elite athlete.  I’ve tried a few dishes here and there but for whatever reason, I went to Whole Foods last week and was completely inspired by all the gorgeous produce.  I bought a bunch and then proceeded to make a variety of recipes from the book.  I had plenty of each so I’ve been grazing from each of the 6 to 7 dishes I experimented with.  I discovered that the food prep for the vegan stuff is no more intensive than it was for when I was working with Chelle the nutritionist.  Also, and this is really surprising to me, I’ve felt more satisfied, fuller, less hungry, and have had no cravings whatsoever for meat or anything else, eating this way.

I made kale chips and a garlic broccoli mix with garlic, rutabega tiki masala, a carrot based “pizza” that tastes nothing like pizza but is very filling, Brussel’s sprouts with a Dijon sauce, roasted beets with a balsamic sauce plus fake cashew-based cream cheese, not to mention a variety of shakes with lemongrass, carob chips, cocoa, agave nectar, vegan vanilla gelato, coconut water, almond milk, banana, and cashews.

It’s been so easy to eat this way, I’ve surprised myself, and I’ve even packed my meals tomorrow as I go to a seminar for the entire day.  My body is still adjusting in the gastrointestinal department – it’s a lot more fiber, I think, than I’m used to, more veggies, of course, and maybe it’s too much info, but of course adjusting your diet adjusts how often you have to go, which seems to be a lot more.  I’m hoping things will stabilize as I continue along.  It’s a small price to pay for feeling full, satisfied, and like I’m eating fresh, healthy food, having no cravings, and sincerely enjoying what I’m eating.  I tend to think my body is getting tons of nutrients as well which is maybe why I feel like I’m actually eating less food overall while feeling more satisfied.

With this unexpected ease and success, I’ve decided to explore more options for vegan cooking.  So tonight I went to the store and bought ingredients for vegan gnocchi, which, if you didn’t know, is made from potatoes.  So there you go, it also relates to the title, even if circuitously.  Who knows if this will affect my body shape, size, or lean and fat mass content.  But what I do know is that the experience of it is satisfying and supports me right now and I like being aligned with the idea of not eating animals.  The funny thing is that I truly have told myself that nothing is off the menu.  If one day I decide that it is the time to have a Twinkie, then that is alright as well.  But I don’t even want a Twinkie eating like this.  I cooked up some Swai fish during the food prep as well in case I felt I needed more protein or whatever and I have as yet had no desire to even eat that.  We’ll see what happens but for now I’m going to play and experiment.  I’m going to find other recipes that sound good and give them a try.  I bet eventually I will find a routine that works well for me.  I would say it would be balanced for me to eat this way 80 to 90% of the time then allow some space for grace and enjoying social events, or special treats or whatever.  But so far I’m feeling anything but deprived.  I could easily skip traditional party food feeling this way.

So that’s what’s going on in my world.  Please check out the Ballroom Village page on Facebook, join it, share it with your friends, and post links to your blog when you write something new.  You can also share the page and any links on your Facebook page or on the blog.  Whatever you want to do to promote it.  I hope it will continue to grow and create another, expanded platform for us to be in community, share, and nurture our Ballroom Village.

That’s it for now!

 

 

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Just Call Me Stefan

 

 

It all started because I was fortunate enough to be at a studio that offered coaching and group classes with the famous Shirley Ballas.  I mean, my dancing may not be at the forefront of my concerns at the moment but I wasn’t about to pass up the opportunity to learn from a living legend.

Thursday we covered Rumba and Friday night was Cha Cha.  It was strictly from the book, I mean the book…The International Dance Teachers’ Association (IDTA) Technique book.  The one that breaks down each step into its components and describes how each piece can be strung together to create the step.

For instance, did you know there are 7 types of Rumba walks?  There is a forward walk, backward walk, checked forward walk, forward walk turning, delayed forward walk knee either straight or compressed and a delayed back walk.  We also learned how to do Alemanas 3 ways and the 9 ways to chasse’.  We strung together moves to make a basic practice choreography including a checked forward walk, open hip twist, fan, hockey stick, Alemana, sliding doors, cucaracha, spiral turn, and a hockey stick back to the beginning.

But here’s the kicker, she had us switch from leader to follower, so boys danced the girl part and girls dance the boy part.  That sure put a new spin on things!

It became clear to me that one of the areas in which my training is supremely lacking is in the knowledge of the counterparts of the steps I’ve been practicing for so many years.  It’s an interesting situation because I believe kids trained in Europe learn both parts from the get-go, whereas in the US with our Pro/Am situation, most students rarely if ever learn the opposite steps.  I felt quite inept and almost as though I’m a 12-year-old in my development as a female/follower dancing while a 2-year-old as a male/leader dancing.

There were parts of the class where I was utterly lost, especially when she had us doing gold level figures as the opposite part than we usually dance.  Heck, I was even lost as the female part for some of them, too!

I’ve often thought it would be good to learn the “boy” steps for a deeper level of understanding and mastery of the material but it never seemed to be a priority, especially when preparing for competitions.  Well, that has changed.

On my next lesson after the workshops I told Kristijan that I wanted to learn the boy parts.  I told him it was obvious my education was lacking and incomplete in that area and I felt that having a better understanding of what my partner is doing would ultimately make me a better and more aware partner.  He was happy to oblige and now we’ve had 3 lessons where I’ve been learning about all that my leaders have been providing as well as getting a new perspective on the lead and follow energy dynamic.

The best part is that I am having so much fun with it.  Each lesson has come with insights and breakthroughs.  I’m being challenged to move my body differently than it is accustomed to by habit, which also results in using what feels like a different and new part of my brain.  It occurs to me as fresh and new and a process of exploration and discovery.  It’s just what had been missing in my dancing as a girl.  I was stuck in a rut, feeling like I was at the mercy of all the years of muscle memory and dancing like a robot rather than truly being present.

I am learning about how the man has been responsible for the space we occupy, not only in how he holds a frame for me, but also in how he generates facing the different walls of the room appropriately.  These are things I’ve taken for granted because I’ve never had to be the one to create them.  In addition, I got to experience the opposite piece of the energy flow I normally experience as a follower.  What I mean by this is that normally I am attuned to be a “catcher” of the impulse given to me by the leader.  I’ve only ever experienced one side of the current or loop.  Now that I’m practicing being the leader, I’m the one generating the initial impulse that I send or “throw” to the follower.  I see how the follower absorbs it, is responsible for moving it through his body, and then sending it back to me transformed.  It is like an infinity loop and now my experience of it has been expanded.  I have greater appreciation for my leaders and gratitude for all they have been doing all along that I was so unconscious about.

Playing around with this role reversal has opened up many possibilities in my dancing and I’m loving doing it.  My goal is for our showcase in October to dance a piece where I am the leader for a large portion of the choreography.

And what’s even cooler, as Kristijan coaches me to be a better leader, when we switch back to our traditional roles, I can feel a marked and improved difference in how he leads me.  It’s as if in coaching me he is coaching himself and thus providing and even higher level of leadership.

In sum, just call me Stefan.  I recommend giving this experiment a try to anyone who is interested in elevating their dancing. So far it’s been amazing.

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Really Dancing….No, Really! I Mean Like REAL Dancing.

Hi everyone!  I’m baaaaaaaack!

I went on vacation for a week in Ireland, and the week and a half before that I was down for the count with bronchitis.  It’s been a while.

It’s been a while since I wrote and it’s been a while since I did anything physical.  It’s certainly been an eon since I last danced.  It’s also been an age since I last worked out or did any cardio.

What I have been up to is driving in a tiny car on scary one lane roads in the back country of Ireland, eating lots of food, drinking lots of cider and generally laughing, enjoying life, and getting soft.

Also, my husband took lots of amazing photos of our trip.  Below are three:  The Hedges, Giant’s Causeway, and the Cliffs of Moher.

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It’s been great and now I’m glad to be back to “real life.”  In fact, on one of the lay-overs during my sojourn home (it was a 22 hour travel extravaganza from Dublin to our doorstep) I made a point to call and schedule my dance lessons for the week.  It was a priority!

Today was the day for my reunion with Kristijan (Ivan is in Bulgaria until the end of the month) and I had a grand time on my lesson.  I began in my practice shoes.  I’m still recovering a little bit from my respiratory infection and still have congestion and a cough, plus I haven’t been “in my body” to dance for the better part of a month so I thought 3 inch heels right off the bat might be a recipe for disaster.  Anyways, we warmed up with Rumba walks and off we went.

“What do you want to dance?”  He inquired.

“Rumba!” I exclaimed, “I’m a slow starter!” I exhorted.

And it’s true.  Rumba is probably my favorite dance and I love it so much.  It’s a slow burn and a nice way to warm up and reacquaint oneself with one’s body after a long absence.

So we reviewed the choreography.

“How much did you practice while you were gone.”

“Zero,” I said.

“But there is a thing called visualization,” he retorted.  “And it can be a good form of practice,” he explained.

“I did nothing of the sort,” I replied, honestly.  “I ate and I drank and I got fat! I did not practice one iota! So let’s see how this goes,” I said.

And we danced.  And then he suggested we turn on some music.

And I really liked it.  I liked the music, I liked the dancing.  He told me he missed me and the energy I bring.  He corrected me and told me not to put my head down like a bull.  He told me my center of gravity was high and to get more settled in my hips.  He told me to fix my wonky, weak arm.

And I was in a goofy, playful mood.  I pretended like I was Latin champion on of the world and began the Rumba dramatically.  He liked it.  “That was very good,” he said.

So we did the choreography and he told me I was leaning backwards during my spiral turn (which is a bad habit of mine) so I said, “Oh, so you’re saying this wouldn’t work if I were in heels.  Maybe I should put on my heels so I could have a reality check.  These practice shoes give me the illusion that I can actually dance.”  I say this because with the lower heel I can get away with more bad habits and still stay on balance and make things work.  The moment I put on 3 inch heels the entire landscape changes and I often feel like I have strapped on not just shoes but the wobbly legs of a newborn deer.

So guess what!?  I changed into my heels!

And we danced some more.  And I emoted and I played.  And the best part was we danced!  We really danced!  I mean there were all these little gems scattered hither and thither in the routine.  I wouldn’t say the routine rounds were perfectly polished, but there were these amazing moments and sequences of moments where magic happened.

For instance, I began my Rumba with conviction and Kristijan reacted.  Somehow we started the routine totally differently.  We did a hip twist into a double spin and then began the official choreography.  None of this was planned and none of it was communicated except that we were both present and both dancing, together, and it was just the natural evolution of the next right thing to do.  I have no idea how it all was coordinated – it was from a realm beyond words.  It just worked, it just happened, we just created it out of nothing because we were both there, together, connected…which is all the more amazing since we haven’t seen each other for like 3 weeks.

Then there was this moment where I decided that I really liked the music and the movement I was doing so I delayed it.  I stretched it out and made it happen over twice the timing it usually does.  And it was awesome!  I totally took the lead and Kristijan had to react to it.  He totally did and it was so awesome!  I don’t know how this all happened but I just knew that I was planted on that spot and that I was going to finish what I was going to do and then I would move, and somehow through the ethers he got the message and figured it out and then our next move was even that much more sharp and impactful because we delayed so long.

I loved it!  I loved creating something together, from nothing, with no prior planning or scheming or communication.  I loved how it all unfolded, naturally.  I thought to myself, “If I dance like that, so relaxed and joyful and playful and open, at a competition…if we could spontaneously create something in the moment so that each time we danced a routine it was genuinely new, I would be so satisfied and happy with that!  I wouldn’t care how we were ranked!  I would be pleased.”  So I told Krisijan as much and I said, “So let’s dance like that in competition, m’kay, deal?”  And he said, “Okay, Deal!”

I mean, in my view of the world, what we did today was ACTUALLY dancing.  It was not just going through the motions.  It was connected.  It was alive and breathing.  It was co-created space.  It was magic and spontaneous and felt free and joyful.  It was the best!  Yay!

And besides that, the other big news is that Krisijan and Anja got a puppy named Don.  He’s a rescue Lab-SharPpai mix, black, cute, and exploring the world with his sharp-puppy-toothed-mouth!

Also, I’ve decided I will dance in the Galaxy Dance Festival here in Phoenix in September.  It will be my first competition back.  I don’t know if Ivan will be game, but I know Kristijan will so at the least I will do Latin, and I’m hoping I can do some Rhythm as well.

Lastly, I have a fitting for my new dress by Julia tomorrow on my lunch break.  Fingers crossed I love it!

I think that gets me caught up for now, on my end.  But in a parting note, I did wanted to give a shout out to all my Ballroom Village bretheren.  I’m getting caught up in all I’ve missed over the past couple of weeks and you all have been a busy lot, posting!  I’m working my way through your recent adventures.  Also, and importantly, I wanted to send a very special congratulations to BC Ballroom on completing chemo!!!!!  Yay!  This is cause for celebration and I’m so glad to read that you are dancing up a storm right now!  You GO girl!  You are an inspiration to me….and I’m not just talking about how consistent you are with your blog posts lol! (I could use a little of that hahaha)

Oh, and I have a guest post on Girl With The Tree Tattoo!  It’s about how I got to the place where I changed my blog name from Biggest Girl In The Ballroom to Beautiful Girl In The Ballroom….go check it out.

Come to think of it, there are at least two more pieces of exciting news in the works!  I guess you’ll just have to stay tuned!

I’m glad to be back with you all and I’m looking forward to sharing more dance adventures, insights, breakdowns and breakthroughs with you!

Love, Stef

AKA Beautiful Girl

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A Blog By Any Other Name Would Smell As Sweet

You may have noticed there’s a little something different around here, namely, well, the name!

Yes, I finally did it.  A while back I was trying on some new names but couldn’t land on the right option.  I decided to let it marinate and frankly, I forgot about it.  But the reason I wanted to change the name of the blog was because my focus has shifted.  I’m still me, but I’m no longer placing my body in the spotlight and making it the most important thing about me.  Rather, I’m focusing on who I am.

Well, as you know there are two new dancers at the EuroRhythm home and I’ve had the joy-filled opportunity to work with them both.  I honestly barely know them but they are a great addition to the family.  They bring amazing, positive, supportive energy and they are generous with their knowledge and so approachable and accessible.  So after my lesson with Kristijan, I was hanging around the studio kind of watching a friend on her lesson and struck up a conversation with Anja. We talked about a lot of things – confidence, shyness, the process of dancing.  And somehow or another my blog made its way into our chat.  I was showing her pictures and the Facebook page and told her I’d invite her to join it.  When I pulled it up and she read the name she was like, “Why this name?  You can’t have this name.  You need to change it!  I won’t join until you change the name!”

She was so sweet about it but so committed to it!  It was quite extraordinary, in my humble opinion.  I said, “You know, I wanted to change the name a while ago but couldn’t find the right thing to change it to.  And it has to be the right choice because you can only change the name of your page on Facebook one time in the life of the page.  Once it’s changed, it’s permanent.  I’m open to changing the name but I need help brainstorming.”

She said, “Well, maybe it could be something like Biggest-Hearted Girl In The Dancing World.”

And I said, laughingly, “Yes!  Of Course! I do want to be humble about it.”

And she said, “Well it’s a little too long anyway.”

So then I recruited my friend MB to assist and after overhearing our prior conversation she said, that the perfect name could be, “You wish you were me.”

To which I replied, “I don’t even wish I were me some of the time!”

And we had a good laugh over how outrageous and prideful these names seemed.

I told Anja I’d think about the name and we parted ways for the evening.  She reiterated that she would not join my Facebook page until I changed the name of the blog.

About an hour later I got a message from Anja through Facebook:

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So that’s the story.  And I have a new like!  Bonus.

Since I’ve changed the name, I’ve had one more lession with Kristijan and a double lesson with Ivan.  I have much to report…but right now I’ve got to be on my way to a family birthday celebration.  So we’ll save that for the next post, which should be completed shortly.  I’ll just say that things are moving right along, I feel like I’m having breakthroughs and growing and being stretched on each lesson and it feels so good.

TTFN, Stef

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Unsung Hero

If you read my last post, it may be apparent to you, as it is to me, that there is quite a bit of forward movement in my life that has happened in a short amount of time.  To recap:  I’m dancing with Ivan again (Rhythm), I’m staying at Damir’s studio (of course!) for Latin, and he has a new high-level couple from Slovenia, Kristijan and Anja, both of whom I am working with in addition to the coaching I get from Damir, himself.

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(That’s me with Kristijan! And yes, we choreographed a wink into our Cha Cha!)

My last lesson with Ivan was on Saturday and it went so very well.  As I walked in the door, however, I was greeted with a big surprise.   Miss Linda Dean and Anna Nicole were in the studio.  I’m not much acquainted with Anna Nicole but Miss Linda came right up to me and gave me a big genuine hug. Indeed, it surprised me a bit as it was a full embrace and longer than I expected…you know how ballroom people generally are when we greet one another – kiss, kiss, hug, hug – perfunctory and devoid of meaning, authenticity, or emotion?  Well, this was not that – in my experience this particular hug was more than the usual “ballroom” greeting, and it pleasantly surprised me.

She said, “So you are dancing again?”

I said, “Yes! I’m back! I’m going to show more expression, I’m mentally in a much better place, and I feel more solid in what I’m doing!”

“I don’t care about that,” she said.  “I want to see how you were already; on your leg and with the rhythmicality in your body.”

I took a moment to process her input – to me, expression is paramount.  For me, full self-expression with complete abandon is my ultimate goal. And, also, it was incredibly elucidating and helpful to hear what she (and I imagine what other judges) are looking for.  I can deliver on this!  Be on my leg, be rhythmical.  Great!

But the funny thing is, I never stopped dancing.  In fact, Miss Linda saw me at Damir’s studio, briefly, at one point.  She knew I was dancing there.  So I find it interesting her choice of words, “You’re dancing again!”

Well, I’ll take it!  She seemed genuinely pleased and she actually said, “I can’t tell you how happy I am to hear this [news].”  (The unsaid part is …daincing with IVAN!)

Sweet!

So I had an incredible lesson with Ivan.  We pretty much have our Cha Cha squared away, which is great.  Of course, we were moving around and dancing while we were reviewing it and finalizing it and I noticed this slim, petite lady with frizzy reddish-brown braided hair watching.  I’m not sure who she is but she is either a pro or a high-level amateur who is dancing with a recent California transplant who briefly flittered with Damir for a spot in his studio.  I’ve met him before but I’ve never seen her.  Anyways, about halfway through my lesson with Ivan she approached me and said, “Oh My God!  You have the most amazing leg action! I guess your teacher must be pretty good!” To which I smartly replied, “He’s alright,” LOLOLOL.  And Ivan turns to me and says, “See! Nobody is coming to me ever when I dancing with anybody else!”

So that was cool and all, but for me the best part was that I felt solid.  We reviewed our Cha Cha and we have it on video in case we forget.  Then we spent the rest of the lesson exploring the Rumba – we danced various pieces from previous Rumba routines as well as explored new possible movements.  It was so much fun and a little bit exhilarating.  I mean, when your dance instructor says, “Let’s try  Marieta’s routine here” that’s kind of a big deal!  She’s the professional!  And yet, suddenly, my arm is firmly grasping Ivan’s shoulder from behind his neck, I’m slowly sinking into middle splits and pointing and flirting with the imaginary audience to my diagonal.  Then I squeeze my legs and thighs together, make sure my ankles kiss, and reach my hands heavenward.   Suddenly I’m the dancer I’ve watched from afar in the audience….wishing I could be her…now I am her.

And Ivan says, “What you think is missing from this Rumba?”  And I say, “I like it all very much.  I don’t have any idea of the order of the steps but I am enjoying what we are discovering.  I feel like we have a lot of puzzle pieces and we can work on the next couple lessons to fit them together in the proper place and order to create a beautiful image.”  And then I say, “Beyond the fact that I have no idea how this Rumba goes in terms of sequence, the only thing that I want to do is touch you!”

I have to tell you, audience, this is a major breakthrough.

I don’t know about you, but for me, I had a lot of hang ups about enjoying my body, and also, enjoying anybody else’s body.  I think that I correlated “enjoying” with something prohibited or profane.  I imagined that any sort of physical enjoyment, no matter how innocuous or laid back, was something to be avoided.  I imagined that to simply enjoy one’s body was to be sexual.  And now I know that is not the case.

Anyways, I embraced the feeling and idea of the Rumba and what came up naturally, when Ivan asked me, which in and of itself is a breakthrough – because he’s involving me in the process of creating the routine we will do (in the past it just would have been assigning or dictating what the steps were)  – okay so what came up naturally was, “I want to touch you and your body more.”  And naturally I found opportunities to do so – on his neck or chest or shoulders.  And how great is that?!  Seriously?!

Okay so if you dance with a professional Ballroom dancer you know they have different body boundaries than most “normal” people.  It’s all about getting and being in their personal space.  It’s all about touching and sensuality.  It’s all about full expression.  When I first came to a lesson with Ivan, I was so completely intimidated and shy.  I pulled inward because I was afraid of what he might think of me.  I was afraid to *really* show who I am and all I feel inside.  My excuse/story for holding back was about my body/weight/size/I-don’t-look-like-a-ballroom-dancer-thererfore-I-could-never-be-one…yada yada yada….

And, that’s the past.

So how I show up now is open, authentic, and willing to be myself.  And I surprised myself by being open, authentic and confident enough to declare my truth that the only thing that was missing from the Rumba was more touching.  I was like, let’s find every opportunity we can to touch!

And it was so fun!  I mean, Ivan is a good looking cat with a good, solid body.  I enjoy touching it.  I was just afraid to admit that previously and so I didn’t touch it and I held back.  Now I’m like, whatever!  It’s another body in this world.  All bodies are miraculous and wonderful in so many ways.  And, this one in front of me is wonderful and looks nice to touch.  Because of the nature of our relationship, and the roles we play for various dances, it is appropriate to touch his body (within reason!) and so I’ve come to peace with this aspect of the dance-acting and have chosen to embrace and enjoy the sensuality of it!  Why not?

I do think it caught Ivan a little off-guard with my, ahem, enthusiasm, lol.  But of course, what I consider courageous and outrageous and acting with abandon seems middle-of-the-road to Ivan lol!  Even so, after a beat or two and a few practices of a hip roll, we got in to a position where I was directly in front of Ivan and he was like, “Now I get to touch!” as he grabbed my ample hips. Woo! Lol!  It was so lighthearted and great!  I loved it all.

But here’s the deal:

So, like, Miss Linda Dean has seen me in relation to Ivan on the dance floor.  From the feedback we’ve gotten, it is a pleasing and even, maybe, exciting show.  This is how all the judges who have taken any notice of me have seen me – in the context of dancing with Ivan.

It’s actually such an incredible gift, in my mind, that anyone remembers me…I last danced maybe a year ago.  And I find it even more incredible that others are invested in the possibility of me participating in competitions in the (near) future.

And they see me as in relation, or maybe as an extension of Ivan.  That’s fine.  That’s great, actually.  Ivan has been a major, major influence in my dancing and has pulled out so much from inside me.  I adore Ivan and I’m so grateful to be dancing with him again.  It feels like home.

And yet….there is an amazing, humble, giving, kind, compassionate, generous, extraordinary human being (who disguises himself as “ordinary”) who has contributed incredibly to my life.  He has been a support, an uplifting presence, an example, a coach, a guide, a mentor, a friend.  He has given me tools such that I can be on my own feet, solidly on my legs, independent.  And yet, I know this person has my back like no kidding.  All he has ever wanted to do was support me in becoming the dancer I have wanted to be. He has given so generously of his knowledge, his wisdom, his authentic self.  I have been truly blessed to work with this exceptional man.

And yet, this man will be an unsung hero.  He will be unseen.  He is the person who helped build me up.  He brought me back to center and sanity and balance.  He is such a genuine and humble man that he cares not who I dance with, but rather, that I am empowered to dance as I wish to dance.  It’s such an amazing gift.  He tells me, “Nothing has changed.  I am still here for you.”  And I believe him, wholeheartedly, even as many external circumstances in my dancing world are shifting.

This is a true master.  This is an extraordinary human being.  This is one who is willing to step aside, to never receive any recognition or accolades for the work he has done, to gain nothing for the wisdom he has shared, and to receive no tangible reward for the love he has poured into a person.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, this person is Damir.  He is the unsung hero.  He is the humble, supportive, wise, kind man who has helped me get to where I am in attitude and technique these past 9 months.

No one will ever visibly “see” all he has done for me as I dance with Ivan, and if I end up competing with Kristijan.  Because of my previous foray into the competitive ballroom world, I am inexorably connected to Ivan (happily so!) and that is how I am seen.  I feel like many people might attribute my progress to Ivan.

And this is how amazing Damir is.  He’s totally okay with that.  He doesn’t even care where the recognition lands.  He’s that humble, that committed to being of service that he has removed any trace of his ego from the equation.

So this is why I want to publicly and formally and gratefully acknowledge the “Wind Beneath My Wings,” Damir.  I want at least some people to know how big of an influence he has been for me, how much he has helped me, how much he has loved me, and how much he has supported me…and even how much he has believed in me.   Like everything he coaches to, it’s the stuff that’s not obvious, the stuff that is internal, being with the “ordinary,” that really makes a difference in quality of a person’s life.

The trajectory of my life is profoundly changed because it intersected with Damir.  I don’t think many people will “see” that when I dance with Ivan and, perhaps, Kristijan.  But it is Damir who has helped me make a quantum leap during the past months.  He may not need or expect acknowledgement or recognition, however, I wanted to give it!  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  I look up to you in so many ways, as a dancer, and as a human being.  You are incredible and I am ridiculously blessed to get to work with you.  Know that even if others outside my “story” don’t know who you are and what you’ve contributed to me, I do, and I am Grateful beyond words.

The End.

Love, Stef

 

 

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I Broke My Shoe Today

Where to begin?  Since my posts have been so sporadic and with much time in between them, lots has happened so there is lots to share.  Why the paucity of posts?  I’d say it’s because I’ve been in a season of taking a step back to regroup.  I’ve taken this time to go internal, to rebuild my dancing foundation, and to get mentally clean.  I’ve not competed in the better part of a year and I’ve wondered what I was doing all this for.  I don’t necessarily have all the answers but I do feel the siren song of the ballroom world calling to me once again.

I don’t regret a thing.  It has been an important piece of my journey to take this time, to get different coaching, to gain a measure of independence and being solid on my own two feet.  It was good to be separate and get centered.  From this space I can truly move, truly connect, truly be a partner.

So what happened was that PBS aired “America’s Ballroom Challenge” and I watched it and I saw all these friends and people I know and I was invigorated.  I also saw a particular instructor and amateur partner dance and I thought to myself, “I could do that better!” Boastful, I know.  And perhaps not even true!  But the deal is that it stimulated me to call my old friend, Ivan, because I wanted to have the possiblitity of it being true.  And as much as I love Latin, I also miss Rhythm.  And I missed Ivan and Marieta, too.

So I called Ivan and we talked and because we parted so amicably, going back was a possibility.  I said, “I’m thinking to do Rhythm with you and Latin with Damir.”  And he said, “Okay, no problem.”  It’s actually even better than that because Ivan and Marieta are going to start competing in Smooth so after we get our Rhythm routines squared away, I want to do Smooth as well, which Damir doesn’t offer.

As of the writing of this post we’ve had 3 lessons and the new, re-vamped Cha-Cha is complete.  I feel like all the moves in it are within my reach and I love that Marieta helped us with it as well.  She added some sections that allow me to be more expressive and feminine.  I am excited to show new aspects of myself and I was pleased that Ivan could tell that my dancing was more solid.  The best part is we are having lots of fun.  There isn’t the pressure that used to be present and I am committed to keeping things mentally healthy between us.  As much as I’m showing up differently, more positively, more joyful to Ivan, he’s also declared that he will relate to me as the Stefanie I am now, rather than drudging up the old Stef with less confidence, more worry, more story.  So great!  Things are chugging along and feeling good.

hip liftwpid-wp-1431056239565.jpeg

The other exciting news is that a new couple has come to EuroRhythm.  They are really excellent and I have had one lesson with both Kristijan and Anja each.  Last week I worked with Anja on some styling and she actually reminded me of Marieta a little bit in how expressive and free she is with her body.  Today I worked with Kristijan on my Latin closed Silver Cha Cha choreography and boy was it an experience.  He certainly has a lot of energy and he gave me so much information.  The biggest thing was creating the space to really dance, expressively dance.  I’ve been so focused on getting on my legs, feeling solid, I’m overthinking everything.  I went from being overly emotional to being almost robotic. I was way out of my comfort zone on my lesson today but I embrace it.  It’s like I’ve been practicing in a small pen and now the gates have been thrown wide open and I’m being introduced to a world that is way larger and deeper than I’d previously exprienced.  Also cool was that Kristijan said that I have beautiful legs and feet and that I’m very flexible.  Plus he was blown away with the way I connected through our frame, the amount of resistance I had.  The best part of it was that I was glad to hear the good feedback but that my ego didn’t take it and blow it up bigger than it is.  Of course he also gave me some corrections, mostly about making smaller steps and working my back leg more, but again, I stayed even keel.

The way I’ve been dancing with Damir I’ve been very much in my head, thinking everything through.  My face shows it.  So one big thing Kristijan kept asking me for was to smile, to actually look at him, then to look to the audience.  It reminds me of my early days with Ivan and how he pulled so much out of me.  I think working with Anja opened it up for me a little bit and then when I was on the lesson with Ivan this weekend I showed more of that freedom, more of my personality in the sections Marieta helped choreograph.  Both of them were like, “See!  You have this in you!  Why you not showing it before?  Not everyone has this inside them.  I ask my other students, please do this, and you just doing this.”  And yet, there is still more to show and express.

For me, I think it comes down to Trust and Confidence.  Trust both in myself and my partner and Confidence in my movement.  I noticed on my lesson today I was a bit unsure.  And as Damir says, the worst thing an Artist can do is hesitate.  It is our complete committment and conviction to the Art we are creating that allows access to the Art.  I have some growing to do in this regard but now that I’m aware of it I can choose differently and practice it until it becomes my new way of being.  I was so excited to be very uncomfortable on my lesson today because that means growth.  And I just know that I’m going to become even more expressive than I ever was before.  I’m going to be able to be completely authentic about who I am in my movement and that is exciting indeed.  I also noticed that I have been working so diligently to be able to be independent and move myself that I’ve not been practicing really relying on my partner.  One thing that happened with Kristijan (we’ll call him “K”) was that he wanted me to rely on him more so that I could go a little off balance or create a bigger movement than I could do on my own – to leverage the connection to create a fuller picture.  It’s not something I’ve been practicing, to trust in this connection and my partner, but I’m excited by what’s possible beyond what I’ve been doing.  My limits expanded today.

After the lesson tonight with K, I saw Damir and said that as much as he was helping me be a robot, Kristijan was all about expression, which is what I was overdoing before, so I’ve come full circle.  And he said, well it must be time for more expression.  The entire journey is to work to find balance and just when you find balance, destablize it.  Then work to regain the new balance and just when you find it, get off balance again.  It’s funny how all this unfolds, isn’t it?

So I forsee a competition in the not too far future.  I have routines to get together so it will be a bit but maybe before the end of the year.  Maybe Galaxy, maybe Holiday in Vegas.  I do think, regardless of what’s next, that I am in a great position for next year.  Also, there is a sense of urgency without pressure.  At least when it comes to Ivan, we talked about it and we want to get out there as soon as possible but doing it joyfully, sanely, taking what time we need to set ourselves up to win (and by win I mean dance with excellence and without all the drama – the results will be what the results will be in terms of placement.  I’m clear that I’m more committed to loving me and loving my dancing and sharing that than I am to placing first.)  Of course I care about how I place and I am competitive and I do want to win, it’s just that my priorities are re-ordered.

In that same vein, I’m ready to let go of my hang ups about my body.  It hasn’t changed much in terms of how it looks in the past months and frankly, so what?  My struggles with self-esteem and body image have been such a big part of this blog but it’s time to let that be in the past and to drop all the drama.  My body is how my body is.  It’s different every day.  It changes based on the choices I make about what I eat, how I work out, how I treat it, how I dance it.  I’m discovering that I can still be an incredible dancer just as I am right now in this moment.  So much of what has kept me stuck has been feeling like I need to look different to “really” dance.  No!  This is not the truth.  I can dance right now, and in many respects, I can dance better now than I did when I was in high school and a size 8.

In fact, truth be told, my body has very little to do with dancing even as it has everything to do with it.  This weekend the People’s Choice DanceSport competition was held and I went to spectate with two dear friends.  The most moving part was a woman who came out on the floor in a wheelchair.  I’m not sure what condition she has but it looked like her body was fighting against her for every single move she made.  She was able to stand up and take some steps with the support and assitance of her dance partner even as she shook with each and every movement.  It was completely captivating.  In fact, I found it more beautiful, authentic, and engaging than many of the pro performances that evening.  That was true dancing.  She’s my new hero.  Even though her face couldn’t move to express her feelings, it appeared frozen, it was so very clear she loved dancing and she was passionate about it.  It was so incredible how she was emoting purely, and without all the usual cues like facial expression or clear, smooth body movement.

So my body isn’t important when it comes to dancing, even though it is totally important when it comes to dancing (get the paradox?)  That being said, it’s not an excuse to give up or stop working on honing my instrument.  In fact, I’m starting a new plan June 1st and comitting to 30 days of doing it.  Mostly I want to prove to myself that I can successfully complete it and I think it will support me in re-creating my future body.  But in this moment, this is the only body I have.  It is how it is.  I’ve been resisting it, I’ve been fighting reality, I’ve not wanted to choose my body, insisting in the fantasy that there is any other body to have.  Right now, this is it and this is perfect.  There is nothing to fix or change.  There is only the body I have so I might as well choose it and dance it with freedom and abandon.  It’s like, all these dancers I’m working with are reflecting to me some of my great assets as a dancer – my legs, my feet, my connection…they see it and they celebrate it.  Why shouldn’t I?  They are not as hung up about my body as I am.  They see it differently than I have chosen to see it.

So anyways, I’m the Biggest Girl In The Ballroom.  Maybe that will never change.  Maybe it will.  I’m choosing to be okay with what is so and to continue to put energy and effort towards my goals and dreams.

Finally, the title of my blog post is a true statement.  One of the straps on my heels snapped tonight so the Universe is telling me I need a new pair.  I’m going to take it as a sign that it’s finally time to try on the 3 inch heels.  I have two pairs of unused shoes that I’ve not worn because I wasn’t on balance.  I got them out and walked around in my kitchen and I actually feel like it might now be possible to work in them.  Of course it will take some adjustments but I think it was a message that my old shoes broke – that it’s time to “step up” to the next level.  Perfect timing.

So that’s the skinny in my world.  I’m excited to see what happens next.

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Guest Post: The Girl With The Tree Tattoo

I cannot tell you how incredibly pleased I am to get to share this next Balllroom Village Blogger with you!

Please welcome Girl With The Tree Tattoo!

I appreciate her authenticity, enthusiasm, and willingness to share.  Please do check out her Blog at: 

http://www.thegirlwiththetreetattoo.com/

And for a special treat, you can see her in action, dancing! 

http://thegirlwiththetreetattoo.com/more-about-the-girl/videos/

Without further ado, Enjoy!

 

“I can’t…I have dance.”

 

Balancing a Full-Time Life and Ballroom

 

First of all, I am honored to be writing a guest post for the Biggest Girl in the Ballroom! I found Stefanie’s blog because it showed up on my suggested list from WordPress. Thank you, WordPress algorithms! It’s so exciting to be able to connect with a fellow ballroom dancer. As for me, I have been a student/addict of ballroom dancing for over 2 years. I have been competing for just under a year and currently compete at the bronze level in Smooth. I call myself the Girl with the Tree Tattoo because of the tree tattoo that covers my entire back. Important to note: I have not been dancing my entire life. I did a couple years of ballet, jazz and tap when I was 6 and 7 years old. But that’s it for my dance education. So I can’t do a split and spray tanning still weirds me out.

 

I wanted to take this opportunity to share the challenges I face in trying to maintain a balance between my “regular” life and ballroom. I am a full-time member of the cube farm, working as a technical editor. And to help pay for ballroom, I’ve taken on two additional jobs, freelance editing and personal assistant to my ballroom instructor, and started selling scones (I love baking and scones have become my specialty). A typical weekday for me starts at 5am and goes like this: get up, take my two dogs for a walk, eat and get ready for work, go to office and work, go home, take dogs for another walk, eat (maybe), go to ballroom studio, take group class and/or practice, go home, take dogs for another walk, go to bed. Two days a week, I have private lessons, so insert another “go to ballroom studio” in between work and home. I’m usually home for the night around 9:30pm and try to be in bed by 10:30. Somewhere in there, I find time to write, take care of any freelance jobs I may have, and complete entry forms or other assistant tasks for my teacher. Doesn’t leave much time for anything else! I hate it when I run out of food. It’s such an inconvenience.

 

If you’re like me, once you started ballroom dancing, your entire life pretty much revolved around it. You scheduled other appointments so they wouldn’t interfere with your lessons. You declined non-dance friends’ invitations because you were going to a practice party that night. If your teacher asked to reschedule a lesson to an atypical time for you, you did whatever you could to rearrange your schedule to make it work. Everything starts to take a back seat to ballroom, including grocery shopping.

 

Unless you’re independently wealthy or you find a way to get paid to be at the studio all of the time, you have to establish a balance between your ballroom and your work. And if you want to maintain relationships with the non-dance people in your life, like your family and friends that were there before you discovered the missing piece that was ballroom, you have to establish a balance between your ballroom social life and your “regular” social life. It’s not easy!

 

I’ve been blessed with friends and family who are very supportive of my ballroom dancing. They see what a positive impact it has made on my life, how much happier I am, and they want that to continue. And it just so happens that my boss is a fellow ballroom dancer and is the one who introduced me to the studio I dance at now. So she understands when I tell her “I can’t stay late today, I have a lesson.” But their support and understanding will only go so far if I start neglecting things other than my dancing. The key is balance. I rarely go to the studio on weekends, saving that time for social time with friends and errands/chores. Also, I make an effort to return the support. It’s easy to get swept up in your own passions, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be there to support your friends in their passions. So I will skip a group class and I have even told my teacher “sorry, I can’t reschedule.” Dance withdrawal be damned!

 

It’s an odd feeling to be so dedicated to and passionate about something that others view as just a hobby, secondary to “real life.” Sometimes it feels like I cross into another dimension when I enter the studio. There, people understand why I have three pairs of shoes in my dance bag – rhythm, smooth and practice. I can say that my next goal is Emerald Ball and they nod and smile and say “that’s great!” They know what I mean when I say I need to work on my frame. Outside the ballroom dimension, people just ask me if what I do is like Dancing with the Stars. No, Dancing with the Stars is like what I do, not the other way around. It’s a little anti-climactic when someone at my office (other than my boss) hears that I wasn’t at work the other day because I was at a dance competition and they say “oh, that’s cool, how was it?” and I exclaim “I won best of the best in bronze smooth!” And they just stare at me with a blank smile and then say “ok, great!” while walking back to their desk, because they have no idea what that means or what a big deal it is for me. Like I said, different dimensions.

 

On the flip side, having a full-time job outside of ballroom means I can’t dedicate myself as much as I might like to my dancing. I can’t make it to the day classes offered at my studio unless I take a long lunch and then make up the time at work, assuming my workload allows for a long lunch. I always have to request time off to attend a competition, and I almost didn’t get it approved for Emerald Ball next month because my boss is on vacation at the same time. She has no issues with it, but my time off also has to be approved by a manager above her. When my teacher asked me if I would be able to afford a few entries at the upcoming San Diego Ballroom Beach Bash, organized by one of his coaches who he wanted to support, I had to tell him I probably could figure something out finance-wise, but there was no way I would get the time off because my boss was also competing at San Diego. I tell him it’s because the company is very focused on utilization goals right now and I get that familiar blank smile/stare. Different dimensions.

 

I say again, the key is balance. I am not one of those people with endless amounts of energy; I have a limited supply, and so I need to be particular about how I spend it. Some weeks are really hard to get through. By the time I get to the studio for a lesson and my teacher asks me how I am, the most I can say is “I’m here.” But it’s so incredibly worth it. That ballroom dimension provides something you just don’t get in the “real world.” And once you get a taste, you don’t want to give it up. So do what you have to do, walk that tightrope between those dimensions, and keep chasing those dreams!

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So Much To Be Grateful For… (Or, The Longest Post Ever!)

Yes, I know it is improper to end a sentence in a proposition, and also, it seemed appropriate…So sue me! Not! Lol.  Artistic/Poetic License and all that….

Okay now (and as fair warning, I will be using lots of ellipses in this post)

First things first….I am so Influential! LOL!  FINALLY got my friend Nena and my Mom to take advantage of the introductory lessons I gave them for Christmas!!!  So what, it is March….?  Better late than never!

Ahem…and Michelle, you know who you are…

TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE FUN, please 🙂

Okay, so back to the narrative, I’m so genuinely thrilled for them both (Nena and Mom)!  They both enjoyed their time at the studio, from the sounds of it, dancing, which makes me so very happy.

They can choose what to do after the introductory package runs out, that is totally up to them, and I respect that.  Nena danced with Ivan previously, and my mom also had one lesson with him too, before her two knee replacements!  Now they are both ready to dance if they choose to….

And now, switching gears, on to the philosophical frontier….

Geezes.  Not sure how to put all this into words.  So here goes.

Good things.

Not so good things.

Here’s my way of “explaining:”

I guess the place to start is the showcase.  I can’t believe how many people liked and commented on the one photo I shared, both on my personal Facebook page and the blog page.  Truly, I was astounded.

 

showcase

Well, so the “report” is that it went well.  I felt totally calm which was great.  I knew what I was doing and where I was dancing.  Other than that, I was grateful my parents, husband, and friend, Nena, came to watch.

So I come to my lesson Monday morning and the DVD of the performance is in…I am not necessarily keen to watch it, but I also understand the value of having my instructor see it.  So we plug it in and I’m not horrified, which is good, if you’ve ever watched yourself perform.  I can’t tell you how uncomfortable it is for me to watch myself in action on film.  Truly, it makes me sick to my stomach.  But anyways, I want to grow, so I’ve resigned myself to watching feedback so that I can get better.

Well, watching the film, like I said, the worst wasn’t realized.  I was okay with it.  Not epic, or lovely, or beautiful, or any of that, but also not disgusting and maybe a little bit fun…I’ll take it!

So we watch the DVD and proceed to dance on our lesson.  Interestingly, about 3/4ths of the way through my lesson after the showcase I noticed something different was happening.  It was so weird!

Like I said, Damir watched the video, too.  As we danced, he was giving me all this high level information, information about my lats, my upper body, things that had previously been “off limits” or to “be ignored” just because I was focusing on my feet, ankles, and knees for stability.  Well, suddenly, I realized 40 minutes in that I’m getting coaching and information on all this stuff that I knew was missing but that I also implicitly agreed was off the table for the moment, until I could get my foundation under control.

So here we are, 40 minutes into a 45 minute lesson and I suddenly feel like I can move, like I can do more, like I’ve been holding back for the sake of creating stability.  And Damir says, “Stefanie, you were so solid in every step on that video.  Each step could not have been more clear.  You knew where you were on each weight change and you never took any step that was too big.  I am basing all the information I am sharing on this, from seeing the video.  And,  apparently it is time for you to have more information.”

Um, wow?!!?!?!

Happy Dance!

For sure I’ve felt more solid, stable, and on balance, but I have to say that I’ve wondered if I’ve changed my dancing at all since I stepped into Damir’s studio.  The truth is, yes, I most definitely have.  It has been subtle, and maybe slow to appear, but yes, the quality of my dancing has changed.

I have to tell you, lol, I was horrified!  Damir informed me that when I first walked into the studio my feet moved “6 feet” at a time (according to him) but now they are “planted.”

All I know is that I feel much more stable and generally I know where my weight is – and also that if I go off-balance I can recover much more quickly than before.   All are immeasurable benefits.

I guess it’s good.  Maybe with this coaching and information I can maybe mold myself into the artist I long to be….

(More ellipses….)

And, yes, it IS good. I am supported.  I am growing.  My dancing IS changing.  There is even evidence of that fact captured on film, at least according to Damir! Lol.

So yeah, time to switch to yet another subject…. (more ellipses)

Yesterday I went to work out and I was pissed.  There were so many things that were SO difficult for me to execute.  There were so many times I pushed my heart rate to the max.  I was annoyed that my body is not in the condition to execute all items asked to an elite level.  And, also, I fail to acknowledge all I did do during that session.  I was in the top 3 people getting through rounds in the weight room.  I pushed my heart rate up to over 185, and I saw many others not needing the recovery period like I did because I pushed myself so hard.  This is not to compare, this is only to say, I did my best, in a lot of ways in this work out, and, if I am honest, in every work out. No I don’t max myself in every single way on every single work out, AND, I  DO push myself, and usually I max out at least one muscle group, or my lungs, or something! I mean, if I don’t push my limits on at least one exercise in a workout, what was the point?  The point of a workout is to grow and expand limits.  Maybe not on all items, but for sure on one or more! So anyways, good work, why can’t I acknowledge it?  Why am I obsessed with the thought of being “inferior” or not “good enough?”  Truly that is a question worthy of exploration!

In any case, the bottom line is that I did a “good” job and at the same time, I have these mental demons that torment me and remind me at every turn how I am never, ever, ever doing enough.  So after pushing my limits a few times (not on every event – but still) after my work out yesterday, I was discouraged, disheartened, and upset (And, as an aside here… (more ellipses) What the hell is up with that?! OMG! – So Crappy, that is!!! – Because like 2 years ago even the thought of doing what I’m doing in these workouts stopped me dead in my tracks and now I’m doing them regularly…)  I just felt like it is all so difficult.  I push so hard.  So why am I still so Fucking Fat?  I see people beside me who look so perfectly proportioned, lean, beautiful…and they are barely breaking a sweat.  I can’t even explain how UNFAIR it feels.

And….

Can you hear the Bullshit alarm going off?  I can!

Do I know what they do, eat, or execute during the other 23 hours of their lives when I am not on a treadmill beside them???

OF COURSE NOT?!

Why do I even go into the Comparison Game, Anyway?  It’s a Lose-Lose Proposition…..

Ugh!!!!!!!!!!

Oh the DRAMA!  I’m so damn Human! lol.

So the bright spot is I left the work out and had a decision.  And I usually would have just thought, “Well, I’ll go home and wallow in my misery.”  And this time I went to the studio and practiced a dance exercise.  LOL!  Why? Because I’m committed.  And, I am determined to get the proper dance rhythm in my body.  So I am willing to work on it.  And it was great, and I got to see people at the studio I love and adore.  It really was such a nice choice, especially after my mental negativity fiasco.

Go me!  I mean, really now!  This is Epic.  At least for a mere mortal like me.  🙂

So what is the sum total of all this talking/writing?  I’m not sure, except that I DO know I have a LOT to be GRATEFUL for.

I just posted a status on my personal page that said, “As much as I still sometimes (daily) have negative thoughts about my body and how it looks, I am also constantly reminded of how grateful I am for the condition it is in now as compared to even a year ago.  When I see people having trouble getting around in the grocery store, when I watch My 600 pound Life on tv, when I see my own reflection lifting 100 pound barbells in the gym…I have a lot to be thankful for.  Here’s to three weeks of consistently getting to all my dance lessons, gym sessions, and all but one Orange Theory workout.  Good job, Stef!  Keep up the good work and it will only get easier to move!”

Right?!?!

I mean, most people in this world haven’t experienced the joy of walking! It is SUCH a joy for me these days.  It used to be that I had the weight of a refrigerator on my back.  Now, I can stroll as if I am walking on a cloud.  I walked for 3 hours on my desk treadmill like it was nothing today!  This would not have been possible before, and I tell you, in all sincerity, even 10 pounds makes a world of difference!  So just imagine having 100+ pounds on your frame.  You can’t!  That’s the goddamned truth.

Well, anyways, enough of that ranting diatribe! Lol.  I am done waxing poetical for the moment!

The Bottom line is that I AM Grateful.  I have so much to be grateful for.

And, I promise to post a video of the showcase once I get the digital file from Damir.

*Cringe*

🙂

Love, Stef

 

 

 

 

by

Getting Real

Howdy folks.  I thought it was time for another blog post and also a lot of crap has been going through my brain and this is one great way to sort through it.

Let’s start with the dancing, that’s probably the cheeriest part.  The big news is that I’m doing a showcase next Friday.  The routine is still incomplete and I haven’t danced a full routine, much less in public, in many many months.  Also, I only have one wardrobe option because I ended up giving my other two dresses away.  Why?  I vowed I am changing and I refuse to be seen in those old dresses again.  I wanted to get rid of them because I wanted to send a message to my subconscious that I was serious about this vow, that there was no back door, no way out, that I have excised the choice to even step backwards and present myself as I was before.   Anyways, I’m doing a cha-cha to “Boogie Shoes” because I wanted to do something fun, light, and energetic.  I don’t feel too much pressure about this since it’s not a competitive setting and pretty much I just wanted to have some fun dancing.  I’ve been focusing so much on the technique lately, and all my lessons are so early in the morning, that it hasn’t been as much fun, even though I do enjoy my lessons for the most part.  So anyways, I’m looking forward to it and it’s also a plus because now I’ll have an open routine for if/when I dance next.  Happily, my husband and parents will be in attendance and there will be a DVD.

Also in dance news, I posted it on my Facebook page, that I was a super-lucky-ducky and because Damir is friends with Andrej Skufca and Melinda Torokgyorgy, he occasionally has them coach at the studio and I got one lesson with each.  Damir ended up being really sick so I was alone with them but it was absolutely wonderful.  It was so helpful to see the way Melinda moved and she was able to work with me on Rumba on basic steps.  We talked a lot about incorporating the upper body and arms, which basically stems from using the core, squeezing and compressing between the hips and ribs, which made it easier to coordinate the lats.  It definitely elucidated some muscle memory habits I have, and it also gave me the opportunity to feel the correct postures in my body.  On my lesson with Andrej, we worked on samba and it was also excellent.  He helped me, again with principles of dancing on basic steps and it again elucidated how much more movement I can be generating with the body of mine, which is kind of exciting while at the same time daunting.  It is also just wonderful to be in the presence of greatness, to stand beside these people, see how they are moving, and compare it to what I’m doing, and getting nudged toward what I could be doing to expand, express, and hold my space even more.  Truly it was a wonderful experience and I think the best part was that I wasn’t overly intimidated.  I mean, these two compete in the top competitions in the world alongside the likes of Joanna and Michael, many times in the final.  I certainly have an immense amount of respect for them and look up to them.  However, I didn’t feel “less than” them, even though certainly I’m less experienced and on their dance level.  It was a wonderful space to be in because just a few short years ago I think I would have been so “in my head” worried about how bad I was compared to them that I would have missed being truly present with them and what they had to offer as coaches/teachers.  So that’s a big win, not to mention all the other benefits I already mentioned.  And this is especially wonderful in light of my body, my big, pudgy, large, non-dancer-looking body.  I’m still pretty embarrassed about it in general.  I’m still not proud of it, so that is a bummer and brings me to my next section…

The not-so-cheery stuff.

So I hired that guy to help me with my goals and it just didn’t work out.  What I thought I was getting, and what I had actually purchased were two very different things.  Initially I filled out all these forms with all these questions and I was very vulnerable with this guy, telling him everything, pretty much begging him to help me get this done once and for all.  I thought I would be getting coaching, but instead, I got 2 half-hour workouts with his sister as a trainer that didn’t even push me as much as I push myself when I go to the gym on my own and I sent him emails of what I ate every day.  That, plus a 20 page manifesto that was not clear and had a lot of information he never followed up on, as well as a calorie and carbohydrate limit for the day.  So after a few weeks of diligently sending my menu daily, I’d get one word feedback like, “don’t drink Diet Coke” or “Don’t use too much Bragg’s Amino Acids.”  And I was like, hey, I know Diet Coke isn’t like the best choice, however, it’s not the worst, either.  Look at the rest of the day and how awesome I did.  Thanks a lot (not!) for focusing in on the one not-so-great thing – firstly, that’s why I don’t choose it every day, it’s a once in a while (like once in a month) type choice and secondly, I am not about being perfect, and thirdly, I’m already so hard on myself, I already focus in on all my shortcomings and flaws, I don’t need this type of crap from a person who is supposed to be coaching me, ESPECIALLY since this was the only feedback for the entire day – there was NO mention of what I did well, there was no encouragement building me up….and that’s what I thought I’d be getting.  I mean, great, give me feedback about not drinking Diet Coke but, like, anything else you wanna mention?  So basically, I was doing this process on my own, like always, and so why I am I paying for that?  I communicated my true thoughts to him, which is a pretty big deal for me to really speak my truth and to really say, “hey!  This isn’t working for me!”  It’s not always easy for me to declare my needs and ask for what I want but I did.  And he was like, “Well maybe what you need is Life Coaching.”  And that was probably the best advice he gave me.  He’s right – and – based on our interactions – he’s not the coach for me.

So that’s that.  And now here I am, fatty-fat-fat.  At least that is how I am feeling right now.  It’s so disappointing to see my body in the mirror, while at the same time, I’m about 10 pounds down and can move easier, at least it seems so.  It feels like my fat tissues are thinning out, however, when I look in the mirror, I’m still as big as ever.  I don’t see changes, at least not big ones, and I’m still in my same clothing.

I’m still watching my diet and doing my orange theory cardio sessions and getting to the gym twice weekly to get in some heavy weight lifting (last week I did 90 pound deadlifts, which was a personal record and I am looking to do 100 pounds this week because I felt like I could do more.)  Oh – and one of the things the trainer said to me was that as I lost weight I’d lose strength, and that so doesn’t work for me.  No way, Jose!  I intend to continue to get stronger.  That’s totally possible!  Why would a trainer ever say something like that?   Okay so anyways, the process continues, and it feels like it is so Goddamned slow – but what’s new?  A this point it is imperative to stay consistent with the process.  However, something’s got to change, I’m not sure what, because I’m committed to changing!!!  But here’s the deal that’s really hanging me up right now:

I don’t want to compete until I look dramatically different.  On one hand, it’s my line in the sand and I know that it will be such a boost in confidence to really make a change before I dance again.  On the other hand, it’s a big bummer because how long do I not dance because I’m so hung up about my body and my appearance and miss out on something that brings me so much joy?  I don’t know that there is a “right” answer to this, it’s just the crap that is swirling around in my mind.

So Damir told me he talked with Ivan the other day, and I was so excited about it.  I think there is still hope we might dance together again, though I’m not attached to that particular outcome.  But anyways, today I decided to send him a little text just to say I miss him and I hope everything is going great for him and Marieta.  He was happy to get my text and asked me how I was and when I’d be on the dance floor.  All I could say was that I don’t know and that I don’t feel ready yet….and what I didn’t say is that the biggest reason for that (besides not having completed routines lol) is because I’m still fat.  Part of me was tempted to answer, “How are you?”  with “Still too fat to dance with you.”  Because part of me would love to dance with him, but I really want/need to be confident in myself before I do that, and to me, that means having a dramatically smaller, leaner body.

Seriously, it’s really mucking me up inside.  How much do I let my adipose rule my life?  But also, what about compromising on my vow?  That’s really important too.  The answer is seemingly simple:  Just lose the weight, dork!  Then you can dance and not break your vow.  Well, that’s what I’ve been intending to do…and it doesn’t seem to be happening. I mean, on one side it seems like it’s happening because I feel like my body is changing, slightly, but then it doesn’t seem like it’s changing because I’m still in the same clothes and my belly seems so big right now, and I just don’t want to step on the competitive floor like this.  Ugh!!!!

And my mind is so mean to me.  Like today while working out I was so bummed with myself because I can’t do all that is demonstrated, and my heart rate doesn’t get below 160 even when “resting” and it’s just so hard, and I even got my heart rate up to 192 and killed myself, and it’s like still not enough.  My body is so stubborn!  I look around the room and I’m killing myself and so what – I still look like a slob.  I sometimes go into the “It’s so unfair, pity-party, victim bullshit” for a moment or two, I’m not gonna lie.  But even with all this negative Nelly going on, I mean, I’m still there.  Double Ugh!!!  I’m just in a bummer mood lately.  I am also frustrated because it’s a choice to feel this way.  I mean, I could be loving toward myself and happy with myself regardless of my weight.  And yet, my happiness is very much tied up with this.  I know I’d feel better about me if I were thinner.  It’s so crappy!!!!!  It’s so, so crappy.  Like, I withhold love, acceptance, and approval of myself and I think I’ll give it to myself if I were thinner.  But is that even true?  It’s such a racket!  Why am I stuck in this mind spiral?  How do I get out of it?  When is what I do enough even if it is not getting the results I want?  Does that mean it is truly not enough?  When is enough, enough?  When do I just feel good about me  and feel confident about myself just as I am?  Period. Without all these requirements and conditions?  I keep thinking that if I continue to monitor my diet and workout the outcome should be inevitable…but it sure doesn’t seem to be a straight line at all. Triple UGH!!!!

success

Just to be clear, I’m not necessarily asking you for the answers to all these questions lol (Though if you have some kind encouragement or insights, I’m open to hearing that).  Mostly I’m just processing this so it gets out of me and I can move forward toward my goals and dreams.  Because one thing is certain, I’m not giving up!  And there are really big changes in who I used to be and who I am today – like how working out has become a habit and I have a totally different relationship with food, and like how I actually spoke up for myself and stated what wasn’t working for me and what I needed.  These are all good things, and I’m still trucking, damnit!  Even if the results have been disappointing to me thus far.

But speaking of goals and dreams, the showcase is a week away, then after that Damir promises me we’ll sit down and talk about “the plan.” “The plan” meaning what we will do this year.  I think it will have to be flexible, but also I think to actually put something on the calendar will create a shift in urgency and make things real again.  So, we’ll see.

I don’t know how “good” of a blog post this was tonight, but I do know that I can’t be the only one struggling with my body and questioning when I let it hold me back from experiencing joy in life.  I can’t be the only one who struggles with self-esteem, self-appreciation, self-love.  Maybe that has some value in sharing?  Who knows?  Thanks for humoring me.

-Stef